so my cousin came to visit and i literally haven’t seen him in 10 years. He’s the only cousin that’s closest in age (i’m 17 he’s 18) to me so i was really excited to have family i can relate to and build a good relationship with since i also don’t spend time with family a lot. Anyways over the two weeks we was visiting we spent a lot of time in my basement playing games together and it was fun...

But over the two weeks he did do a lot of things i questioned. He would lay on me, pick me up and put me in his lap to sit, tickle me, slap my ass, touch my thighs and stretch my legs out. now even though i questioned these things i just brushed them off as cousinly love and i was even more convinced of this because i’ve never been close to family so i didn’t know what it was like. My cousin also has a gf so that made it even more convincing.

The first time: my cousin suggested one day that he give me a back massage cuz he was rlly good at them. I was like sure cuz why not it wasn’t like my back was a sexual part of my body. i don’t remember if he suggested to lift the back of my shirt or just did it suddenly but he was rubbing around my bra area a lot and also rubbing around my underwear line to the point where his hands were just under the top of my pants. i didn’t say anything but i did feel uncomfortable but i also told myself i was feeling that way for no reason because what he was doing was giving me a normal massage. He then put his whole hand on my ass and my whole body tensed. i was so scared and so confused and so uncomfortable. the weird thing about that experience is that every time a family member would come down when he was massaging me he would quickly take his hands off me and check his phone... again i thought in my mind it was just a coincidence. 😒

-> just so u know after he was done his massage i acted as if it was a friendly thing because i was convinced it was.

The second time: this was today and i cannot explain to u how disgusted i feel right now. i need to shower and vomit at the same time. today was his last day visiting so of course i was spending time with him in the basement as usual. we were watching movies this time and i was sitting beside him on the couch and he had lifted one of legs and put it across his lap (i considered this normal behaviour at this point). i forgot to mention before that my cousin would hit me playfully all the time when we hung out (that’s what led to slapping my ass) so i think i was complaining about my leg hurting cuz he slapped me and he said i’ll massage it for u. I said okay cuz it’s not like i wasn’t gonna be wearing my big grey sweatpants when he would massage me. He was massaging my whole leg but liked to focus on the part of my thigh right next to my pussy which again i thought was fine cuz he explained to me there were 3 muscles around that area that u need to focus on. As he was massaging that area his finger would slightly brush my pussy but i thought nothing of it cuz i just thought i was imagining it or that he wasn’t doing it purposely. He did this a couple times on each leg and then said it was his turn for a massage. i massaged everywhere except for those areas and when i said done he said u missed the main muscles. i had obviously been keeping away from those areas because i felt very uncomfortable touching him there and was scared i would accidentally touch his dick. he led my fingers towards the areas and i massaged them quickly (i was very uncomfortable and was laughing the whole time trying to make everything a joke). After i was feeling my own legs because there was a spot on my leg that really hurt to touch and was trying to figure out why (i shouldn’t have been touching my inner thigh around him but i honestly thought there was nothing sexual about it at the time). he told me to show him the place it hurt and then he said he would try and loosen the muscle for me. He spread my legs and was touching my inner thigh but was slowly touching my pussy more and more. i literally couldn’t look at him at this point and was trying my hardest to focus on the show i wasn’t watching. it got to the point where he spread my legs even more and turned me to his direction and was literally only touching my pussy over my pants. in my brain i was SCREAMING. i didn’t know what to do cuz if i said no i feared he wouldn’t like me but i knew what he was doing to me was not right. i tried to focus so hard on the show and he was asking me questions about the show. i obviously struggled to answer. when i looked at him i can remember seeing him smiling and quietly laughing probably cuz he liked that i was getting distracted. i felt embarrassed. i started to debate wether or not it was really happening. i thought, he was only rubbing my pussy like he was rubbing my leg so i thought maybe he didn’t realize where he was touching. after a while he stopped and i was relieved. i couldn’t look at him. i was disgusted with myself because it did feel good but i knew it was wrong and didn’t know how to stop it.

i could feel him stare at me and smile and me being the stupid person i am just laughed awkwardly. i didn’t move, i didn’t get up i just sat there STUPIDLY. therefore i hate myself. i tried to get him to think about something else by asking questions like “when was this movie made” and “omg who’s that actor again” but

it started again, he was touching the bones around my thigh again saying how they were soooo boney and sharp. He was openly curious about where the bones beside my pussy led to. i pretended not to notice that he was starting to slip his hand in my pants and i just picked up my phone and started scrolling down instagram. he started to feel around at the bones. so i thought see i’m just imagining the whole thing. then he touched me again. i thought the situation would repeat but just stay above my underwear but no. he put his fingers in my underwear and my heart sank. my stomach was beating i felt so wrong, i still feel SO WRONG. why didn’t i move why didn’t i do something... because of pleasure that’s why. even though in my mind i didn’t want him touching me my body was getting hotter and hotter and i knew he could feel it. but why couldn’t i stop him. he began to finger me and that was the moment reality hit me it was now obvious he wasn’t just massaging me. everything i suspected became real. he kept going and going and watching my reaction. i didn’t say no. cuz i couldn’t get the words out. my mouth was so dry. i figured if i could fake an orgasm he would stop. so i tried but i quickly realized that me faking pleasure made him do it more. he heard someone coming down the stairs and quickly took his hands out. false alarm... he wiped his fingers on my pants and took one of my hands and put them on his dick.

this is where everyone is gonna be disgusted by me.

i’m disgusting okay. why was his dick so hard. why is he turned on by his cousin. i was shocked. i touched his dick because i knew that’s what he wanted. but my brain finally gave me the courage to say i can’t and take my arm away. he took my hand back and took his dick out. i tried to jerk him off to get him to cum so that it could be over. when i started within 5 seconds i took my hand off again and said i can’t do it. (i was awkwardly smiling cuz i didn’t want our relationship to be ruined). that’s when he started to touch me again so i just figured i needed to get him to finish. after a minute he started to push my head and told me to spit on it. that’s when i said no i can’t do this. he tried to touch me again to convince me and i said “i’m not doing anything to u so there’s no point in doing anything to me”. that’s when he finally kind of gave up. he was still touching my leg though. i thought it was FONALLY over and i didn’t feel uncomfortable for a few seconds, that’s when he moved my face towards him and kissed me. I DID NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL. I PULLED AWAY. he did the same thing again and i said i cannot do this, u leave tmrw so when u go home u can go fuck your girlfriend. he told me that since he was leaving tmrw it would be better because there would be no tension but i told him the same thing again. he gave up and jerked off beside me. after this i acted as if nothing happened and so did he so i was very uncomfortable. i started talking about the show again.

later that night he while we continued to watch the movie he licked my neck and blew on it then laughed. i thought it was a game cuz it tickled and was kinda funny. but licking slowly turned into him kissing my neck for longer and longer period of time. again i was frozen. he also started pretending to choke me and i thought this was just playful not sexual. until he used his choking grip to turn my head towards him and try to get me to kiss him. i just laughed it off cuz he only moved my head close enough to where my lips were touching his. he wasn’t technically kissing me. i slapped him gently on his face every time he did this.

finally my mom came downstairs and brought me upstairs to do something for her.

please if you’ve ever experienced anything like this and can share please do. i feel so gross and i wanna cry all night. so if someone could comment just to give me someone to talk to...