I’ve had fluctuating body weight since forever. I was really fat in elementary, then im high school really thin at 38kg and then now I’m at 60kg. I try to exercise at the gym, wall-climbing, jogging etc. in one month, then the for the next months life gets hard again and I lose my routine. Then I pick it up again and the cycle continues.

I’m having a hard time really loving my body even though I know I SHOULD exercise to fix it. But my work life (I’m already post-college) has been so unruly and it’s hard for me to find the energy to get fit. I’m afraid that I’m gross to look at already since my legs are too fluffy instead of toned, my hips are too wide, I don’t have a butt (genetically flat...), and I don’t have the flattest stomach. I see gorgeous women on IG etc. and I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m stupid for not pushing to look better. These women are people I’ve met too for work and they all look so great and toned and everything. And they get lots of traction while I feel horrible when I post photos of myself, knowing I won’t gain nearly as much.

My lovely boyfriend is always supportive by trying to get me to exercise but it’s still hard for me, like I’m in some slump. He’s tired of convincing me however so he exercises alone and everything. Meanwhile I see body-positive campaigns as well and I wonder if I’m SUPPOSED to not do anything? I don’t know anymore. I hate that my body needs maintenance and that I feel awful with how I look 90% of the time. I wish I was a gym regular and didn’t have to worry about my cellulite, my lack of shape, etc. but I’m also my worst enemy, not wanting to go there all the time when that time could’ve been spent doing something else.

Not sure what advice I’m looking for but I just want to be happy with my body. I don’t know if I’m doing something horribly wrong :( I feel guilty about eating too much too. I feel like I’ve driven myself up a wall and I have noone to talk to about this in fear that I’ll sound like a brat. I’m just so miserable with myself.

I feel like everyone who looks at me online is thinking: oh what a shame though that she doesn’t work out. Oh she’d look better fitter. Etc.

Photos from my latest trips: