So I’ve known my best friend (let’s name him Dan) since the first day of high school (We’re now thirty). In college he moved in with me and was my roommate, he was the best, we had opposite work schedules and when I would get home he would have dinner ready for me, the house cleaned and dogs walked. However, one day I walked in on a horrific scene, he had attempted to commit suicide by cutting himself. I helped him out and stayed with him in the hospital psych ward ( for more that 12hrs till he was admitted, however for insurance purposes, he was denied treatment.

He moved back to our home town, I would always go check on him and text him regularly. I then was involved with someone and we didn’t speak much after that. But every time I would go back home it would be as if we never stopped talking.

Recently we have both been single and dating. I’m living in a new city and don’t have friends so when ever I have a bad experience with people I’ve been dating, I drive back home and drink with him and the rest of my friends. I would sleep over in his bed and cuddle and that would be it.

For my birthday not to long ago, my friends and I went out to a bar, a guy eventually started talking to me and flirting with me, since Dan was our DD he immediately told us we were leaving when it was only 12am. When we got back I started vomiting and he brought me water and a scrunchy, he told me “ Jan, you saved my life, understand that I would do anything and everything for you!” (There were times that I would think of us being together when he was my roommate, but I never pursued it cause of our friendship.)

The next night he was trying to invite a girl that he was hooking up with to my birthday party, I then got extremely jealous and told him that I didn’t want her there cause I was jealous of her and I wanted them to spend his time with me and the rest of our friends. He then admitted that he was jealous of the guy that I was flirting with at the bar from the night before. So he then canceled on her and continued to party with us. While in bed cuddling, he asked if I ever thought about us being together, when we were roommates, I told him yes, then asked the same question, he also said he would think about it all the time.

I then asked “ would it be awkward if we hooked up?”

He said “not at all”

Then we started to make out.

He asked in between us kissing “ can you do this without emotions”

I said “ yes, I do that all the time”

Then hooked up.

We didn’t talk about it afterwards.

Two weeks later I went back home and hung out with everyone and were having a pool party. I was talking to dan, having a good time, I then got into the pool and another male friend started to talk to me. We were actually talking about Dan and how far he’s come with Having bipolar and still succeeding. Dan then got in between us mid conversation and our other friend got upset for interrupting our conversation. Within, 15 min Dan decides he wants to go home and leaves the party. I noticed he was gone so I went after him, his house was a few blocks away from where we were at. I asked him if he was ok, and he said “ yea, it’s just my bipolar, go back and hang out with Ralph and the rest of the boys.” I then assured him I was worried about him so we went to his place instead. (It seemed he had gotten jealous again) when we got to his house we cuddled for a while then eventually we were face to face nose to nose, as if we were waiting for the other to make the first move, finally he kissed me, then hooked up over and over.

When I left,everything was great. I always told myself that I didn’t have feelings for him ( cause of our friendship) but now I can’t stop thinking about him. We have always been there for each other, and I value his friendship more than anything,but my feelings are getting in the way and idk if I should tell him how I feel. I don’t want to ruin our 16 year friendship.