Need to vent and some advice 🙏🏻

Soo.. I had a miscarriage last December, one month later my BFF got pregnant (didn't want to), she send me a picture of her test, of course I was happy for her, but I was/am in a dark place, I always suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and since I lost my baby it got worse...

All of my girlfriends got pregnant after also and that put in a state of mind almost at a point off breaking!!

With them I had a conversation and explained were I was and I didn't want them to think that I jealous or something.

My BFF I thought I didn't need to have that conversation because she knew me... Ohh I was soooo wrong, them I told her that I was really really happy for her, but I couldn't be 100 % with her because I was a mess, and needed to have my time, and in my terms.

She said that I was jealous of her and didn't love her or her baby. Wen I just wanted to be pregnant with her and have her with me in this journey, but I couldn't and each time I saw her and her belly it was a reminder of that... She said some awful things to me and them block me out of her life and number.

I just wanted she understand how bad I am, and I love her, but couldn't show her the way she wanted.