My daughter Kennedy J was born on July 25th, 2019 at 7:41pm. Weighing in at 7lbs, 15 oz, and 20.5 inches long.

Her birth was something I still have difficulty accepting.

Around 33 weeks of my pregnancy, one of my midwives wanted for me to check my blood sugars everyday and to get me on a better diet because my baby was measuring big at 28 weeks, and she wanted to see if the way I was eating, was the reason why she was measuring so big. Every 4 weeks (starting at 28 weeks) I was supposed to come in for an ultrasound to check on her growth. I passed my glucose test so I did not have GD.

At 36 weeks, one of the midwives recommended I be induced around 38-39 weeks because she estimated that she would be around 10lbs at birth because the ultrasounds were saying she was weighing in at this much.

I had no fear for birth. I had a plan that I wanted no interventions. No internal monitoring. Delayed cord clamping. No wiping off the vernix. My husband gets to catch the baby AND cut the cord. Skin to skin immediately after she’s here. No epidural. Minimal cervical checks.

At 39 weeks, I was scheduled to be induced. On 7/23/15 (Tuesday), we were waiting for the call from the hospital on when we should be coming in. Never received the call. I called them on Wednesday morning around 7am and asked when will they be calling me and the lady said sometime that day around late afternoon.

That Wednesday morning around 11am, I went in for my NST and what I thought was my babies butt pushing against my ribs, was contractions! The nurse kept going “Do you feel that right now? That was a heavy contraction!” And I said “what?! I thought that was her butt!”

The NST went great. No concerns.

We got home an hour later, and got called two hours later to come in and that my room was ready.

I was freaking excited, nervous, happy. I was feeling everything.

We got there around 3:50pm. I remember the second we got inside those elevators, that’s when it really hit me that I will be having a baby soon. At 4:30pm, we got in our room, they weighed me, and we chilled till the midwife had to come in and put in the cervadil to induce labor.

Around 7pm, the midwife and student midwife came in and the SM checked my cervix (I freaking cried because it was painful af. I had it done at 38 weeks and it hurt but not like that day), after SM checked, the midwife checked me too and I was at 2cm, 50% effaced, and at a -2.

She was checking around my pelvis to see if my baby would be able to make her way down since “she was measuring big” and I’m a small girl (4’8).

They put in the cervadil and I got SOME sleep in. Then around 12am, I finally starting feeling the contractions. Thinking about it now, I don’t remember it being that bad, but damn, it freaking hurt. Even having to go pee and sit on the toilet hurt. I had to have the cervadil in for 12 hours, and around 2-3am when I went to pee for the millionth time, the freaking cervadil came out. I still had some hours to go. I told my nurse and the midwife came in and said that we’re going to wait a bit to start pitocin. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore so I asked for the epidural. My husband had to get out of the room and I felt so alone. That’s when it started. The feeling of loneliness. I hate that he had to leave. They did the epidural and I slept better after that.

My family (mom, twin brother, and 16 year old brother) came to the hospital around 7am on 7/25/19, and it felt so good to have them there.

As new shifts start, new midwives come in (I’ve met them all so they weren’t strangers to me) and they’re all checking my cervix and I’m progressing so good. I’m finally at 7cm, I can’t remember at what time, but wow I’m almost there.

I think around 10-11am, the midwife breaks my water, even though I didn’t want it to be broken, but I agreed to it thinking it would speed things along. So they told me at my appointments that once your water breaks, you have 12 hours to labor before you start getting risks of infections.

Seven hours later, I’m still at a 7. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. This is when shit when downhill.

Midwife tells me that I’m not progressing and I have to start thinking about the possibility of having a csection. I’m like that “wait, what?” I did not walk in there expecting a csection. This is not how I imagined my first birth, my first baby, my first delivery. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen.

I tell her we still have time though. We still have five hours to go before I run the risk of infections. She said I can bring in a second opinion, but they’re going to tell you the same thing. The second opinion comes in. She’s a surgeon. Tells me that she recommends we do a csection and do it now because I’ve been in labor for a long time (I don’t even know how long I was in labor for). I say yes because I don’t want to harm me or my baby. I start to sob. A room with a nurse, surgeon, SM, and the midwife, plus my family, I sob. I can’t believe this is happening. I still can’t believe it happened.

I’m so scared.

I’m sad and so mad that my body failed me that day.

They roll me in the OR, my husband coming along. They tell him to wait outside and as soon as I’m in there, it’s so bright and so cold. I’m shaking. I’m crying. I can’t believe this is happening.

They put the curtain up, bring in my husband, but I had no idea because my eyes were closed. I couldn’t stop crying. The student midwife was there, her name is Adrian. She was telling me how proud she was of me and that my baby will be here soon. I still didn’t know my husband was there and I out-loud said “can you hold my hand?” And he said yes and that’s when I felt a tinge of safety. He was there. I can’t believe this is happening. I could feel them tugging and pressure. I cant stop crying. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t believe this is happening.

It’s 7:41pm now.

I hear someone say “oh, she’s already crying” and hearing a whimper and then we hear HER. Her first cry. We both cry. They put her up and she’s here. Our daughter. And she’s gone. And I’m sobbing and they’re telling me to calm down. I can’t stop shaking. I can’t believe this is happening.

I wake up hours later in a room. I don’t know how I got there. I’m sleepy. I’m looking at my twin brother and I hear him say “she’s up!”

I don’t remember when they handed me my baby. I don’t remember holding her.

Why did this happen to me?

—————-

The days we were there, felt like years. I can’t believe the toll it took on my body. It hurt to pee. I couldn’t poop. 24 days later and it still hurts to poop.

The first few days, we were having trouble latching, and now were doing better. I am doing better. I will never forget that day.

My last day there, I asked an assistant surgeon to my surgeon and told her what happened in the OR, why did they put me to sleep?

She said I had a hematoma on the right side of my uterus, and when they were in there, they say that I had a small pelvic bone. She said had I waited longer, they would’ve still had to cut me open to get her out.

I hope to god I get to have a VBAC once Im cleared to get pregnant again. Motherhood is such a wild ride. The toll it takes on your relationship, your body, everything. I’m learning to accept my birth and what happened that day. It’s hard, but I know that I will feel like myself again. I don’t cry like I used to. For 12 days straight, I cried.

It’ll get better.

I’m posting the pictures in order from when we got to the hospital, to the last picture with my family before they took me in the OR, to crying, and the moments after that. Thank you for reading.

She’s the best thing that ever happened to us. Good luck to all of you ladies that are having your miracles soon. It truly is a magical ride!

Pictures are in the comments.