Back in June, on my one year wedding anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. We were excited and happy, and I was sick as could be. I hadn’t been intimate with my husband since then due to sickness and it took a toll. On the Monday before my first doctors appointment, I found an app on his phone where he had been sexting and having phone sex and exchanging pictures with women. It started a few days after I told him I was pregnant. I was completely shocked, devastated, and defeated. I confronted him about it but he brushed it off like it was no big deal and he gave a half assed apology. He said he’d talk to our religious church leader, but it took him 3 weeks to make the appointment to go.

Come Wednesday for my first doctors appointment, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I decided to miscarry naturally instead of undergoing a procedure but it took my body 5 weeks to even miscarry. It was the most painful and heartbreaking thing of my life, and I was alone.

I had a checkup the other day and the doctor mentioned steps for trying again, but I don’t know if I even want to. I’m trying to be forgiving and continue counseling with my husband, but I don’t have the trust there that I used to. I’ve always wanted a family and we’ve always talked about having one, but I don’t know if I should anymore with him.

I’m trying to heal my marriage, and I’ve been told a baby will help, but it won’t. A baby will not heal a marriage and even though I want to start my family, right now does not feel like the right time anymore. I just wish I knew how to get past wanting one right now and work on myself and my marriage.