Hi ladies. So I'm 32 and until recently I was working as a CSR (customer service rep). While I was working at my last job I got really depressed and decided to take a phlebotomy course in case I lost my job, so as backup. Well, I got laid off and had to finish my phlebotomy certification which I did. I went and did clinicals and now I volunteer but I discovered after I did all this was that I hate the medical field. Seriously. I hate having to poke people and ask intrusive questions, and I can't help feeling like I'm going to fuck up really badly and kill someone or accidentally mislabel a tube of blood or just mess up on something that really matters and can be life or death.

I hated my clinicals week and the entire vibe I got from the phlebs while I was there. Because I live in California and I don't speak Spanish and am not Latina I felt really excluded and I still feel that when I volunteer. People will talk shit about you right in front of you. I don't speak Spanish fluently but I understand a fair bit and it feels very cliquey and high school like, no matter where I go.

I hate having this kind of responsibility , especially with blood and it makes me too fearful to want to go any further. My anxiety spikes if I have to draw blood so I usually miss and have to call in help. I also can't see myself happy long term as an RN or CNA either. I don't have a passion for it at all and tbh, being in a hospital setting makes me really anxious. I didn't discover this until my grandmother almost died and I started spending a LOT of time in the hospital both as a spectator and as a phleb behind the scenes. I know exactly what I would want to do if I just said goodbye to the medical field forever, I would love to get my BA online for environmental studies and preservation and I've looked into colleges online for that.

However, I can't tell my family this. They would be LIVID that I spent all this time and effort on a phlebotomy certification and then do nothing with it. At this point my plan is to find full time work in a lab so I don't have to interact with patients and hopefully start taking courses online for what I really want.

I just feel so bad! I also feel like it's too late to start over since I'm 32 and that makes me feel defeated. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a field I hate.