I know life is not fair but this is just too much...

I used to wake up looking forward and ready to face the day. I’d see the love of my life every afternoon. I’d sit in the recliner in the living room around the time he got off work until I saw his blue Dodge Avenger pull up in the driveway. Then I’d greet him at the doorway with one of those tight hugs that made me feel like everything was going to be ok. We’d either watch tv, a movie, go out, or just sit and talk. We had so many adventures together within 10 months of being back together after 3 years being apart. He’s the only one I’ve ever loved and had a crush on. We were together for about 5 years before we broke up because of jealousy issues but we got over that and was no longer a problem. Everything was perfect. Felt right.

For months after he passed, I’d wake up hurting all over. A physical pain in my heart. Reality would hit me hard in the face every morning. I still put on a smile for my 3 month old, of course. (He’s 10 months old now) But some days were and are still so much harder than others and I just need him. 😭 This isn’t what we had planned out. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to be Mrs. Mayes again. This is bullshit. I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I’m going to have to carry this forever and it’s just so heavy and I’m tired. I am so, so tired. We would have our own home by now, my son would have a daddy, I would have my soulmate, we would have been remarried. I hate this. I hate this so much. I miss him so much I feel like my insides are made of lead. Does this feeling ever go away? I don’t know if I can handle it much more.