My battle with postpartum acne.

I feel my heart race every morning I open my eyes. The intense anxiety starts to already take over my mind and my body. Once I finally get the courage and energy to get out of bed I look in the mirror. My anxiety sky rockets as I take off my old make up from the night before. The red marks and bumps on my face completely transform my outlook of myself. As I used to enjoy taking off makeup, now I am terrified I’ll have yet again another anxiety attack. Chest getting so tight I can’t breath and crying my eyes out only to make my face more red from the tears that run down my bumpy face. All this anxiety calms, then I spend the rest of the day depressed laying on the couch wondering when will this pain and hurt go away. Something I’ve never had to experience before has taken over not just my face but my life and my self esteem. It’s changed me as a person inside and out. The acne is not only there, but it is painful bumps that can’t always be touched. Sometimes hard to even smile. Not only this, but on top of it all trying to deal with my depression, anxiety and my crying baby, achy uterus wearing my maxi pad almost all sounds impossible all at once. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and love yourself. Running from mirrors of bright lighting. Constantly wondering is someone staring at my bumps...? Or do they actually somewhat find me attractive as a human being. When they look do they wonder what’s wrong with me how did my face get like that? Or do they look at me as if it never existed... does my low self esteem show ? When I walk through the Walmart doors with a ball cap on and looking down does it show I’m not ok? Or does anyone notice anymore? They say “oh it’s normal postpartum” “you will get through it” “it will all go away soon” “depression and anxiety is part of some women’s postpartum” but do they know how it really feels ? How to really get through it ? Do they know what a change in your face can make on not just your outlook but your daily life ? Unable to even leave the house afraid people will judge you. Hibernating everyday at home constantly scared. Crying myself to sleep at night crying when I wake up only to deal with the same battle on my face. Will this ever fade? Will I ever love myself again and will I ever look the same again? Everyday feels the same. Acne has taken over my life, outlook and self esteem. My child is a blessing. He does not deserve this. But neither do I. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this rut. I hate my face so much that I’ve grown to hate myself in life so quick it’s not ok. I pray everyday hoping god will change things for me. Bring me back up. Help me out of this rut. I continue everyday to wait, wish and hope.

This is my postpartum. Depressed, anxiety, loving my child, crying...and more crying, achy uterus yet still blood leaking everyday, working to help my gassy fussy baby while also shedding a tear myself as I’m comforting. Sitting up at nights tired as hell feeding a hungry baby that just wants to be in moms arms but mom wants some rest. It’s a rough patch. Harder than I expected for sure. Being a young mom is hard but I know everything I’m going through is all part of life. I live everyday and push through for my son. That’s all that matters. Cause sometimes it’s ok to not be ok.