my c section story... WARNING: (very traumatic)

so i was in labor for 12 hours , pushed for 3. baby was not coming out and i was begging for a c section. they told me i could try to keep pushing but i had back labor and 3 epidurals (they actually came in and told my dad and fiancé that they never give someone that much pain medicine but felt i needed it) so they then moved me to the room , threw me on the bed (yes, i remember being thrown around like a doll) i was naked and cold but could not move at all, they strapped my arms down & i watched the nurse give me more medicine and that was it. i felt myself falling down, if that makes sense? i think i was having a drug trip from all the drugs they gave me because i felt like i was in a coma. i remember feeling like i was spinning and i could hear everyone in the room , but i couldn’t see anything. i do remember thinking the whole time “is this it? what’s going on? am i dying?” my fiancé said i had my eyes opened and would not blink, he said i was tearing up but it was like i had “no soul” were his words. he said i was just staring out in space saying “iiiii feelllll thattttt”. i woke up in the recovery room and realized that i had a baby. i look down and he’s on my chest and everything in the room was spinning. my fiancé took a picture of me waking up in the recovery room (it’s a live picture) so when you watch it you can literally see how possessed i look. i really don’t mean to scare anyone but i think it’s important to share my story and sometimes it is traumatic. recovery was horrible. i became depressed because i couldn’t walk or take care of my son. then i got a terrible uti after as well. now i’m pregnant again at 4 months post partum and having to do this all over again. i am so scared.... 😕