so, i had my son in april. he’s now 4 months. i’ve never worked. i don’t drive. i hardly even leave the house. yeah, i know how it sounds.

well how about when i put it like this. i took drivers ed my freshman year. couldn’t get either of my parents to practice driving with me. they updated the course and i had to retake the entire thing, which i did my senior year...

as for the job, i got an interview at CFA my sophomore year i believe. first job i applied for. went well, got a 2nd interview. got the job. my father took me to both. well, nobody was able to drive me to orientation so the job fell though. i called several times and they no longer had positions available.

after applying to several more places and no response i decided to give up. i was really only doing it for myself anyways.

fast forward to senior year and again, i really had been wanting to drive but they just didn’t have the money for a car and i had yet to practice driving. this is when i retook the course and started applying to places again, also the year i got pregnant.

i passed the course but couldn’t get either of them to take me to the DMV for the permit test. i waited months, and finally one day my grandmother took me and i passed and got my permit. that was 5 months ago, and i still haven’t been behind a steering wheel ONCE! nobody will help me practice.

within this time (senior year), my parents split up, mom moved out, and my father was in bad health. i had applied to every single place within walking distance of my school since it was my only option. mind you, at 8 months pregnant. i got several interviews. i missed the ones that didn’t line up with the time school got out because i couldn’t walk to them.

i went to the ones (3) that i could walk to after school. i got turned down by two, then later turned down by the third because they were no longer hiring students. you can imagine my frustration as i was now out of options.

nevermind the fact that school was ending and the walking wouldn’t pan out for long but at least i could pay for an uber if i’d started working and earned the money.

well, my father passed a week before i had my son, my mom moved back into the house. i haven’t looked for a job in the past 4 months because not only have i been busy with my baby but at this point i need a license,

my son has been to ONE doctors appointment since he’s been born! at 1 week old! and i haven’t seen a doctor since i left the hospital with him. because i have had to reschedule so many times that i’ve given up, i cannot seem to line up with my mother’s schedule. i need to be able to drive myself.

she knows that i want to practice driving and get my license, and she also got a new car so the old one would be mine. all i need is to practice but she keeps on saying i need a job. i need a job. i need a job.

yes!! i would love a job. i would love to be able to work and have extra cash for myself and my baby and i’d love to be able to drive to doctors appointments, interviews, my job, daycare, babysitter etc.

but i can’t just magically start working! i don’t ask her for anything. i was out of baby wipes for three weeks before i had the courage to ask her to get me some (i had a big baby shower and haven’t needed much thus far). i don’t ask for food when she goes out, i don’t ask for help with anything.

tonight i heard her talking to her friend and boyfriend about how i don’t do anything except sit in my room all daycare, and she’s getting close to kicking me out. it just broke my heart. she thinks i’m in “la la land”. no, i need help to get started..

all i need from her is to help me practice driving, maybe help out when i first start working with the babysitter or daycare.

she says i don’t need a license to work, and that’s basically her argument. that’s where we’re not seeing eye to eye. especially now that i have a baby yes i do need a license. there’s a car sitting in the driveway that i can drive i just need to practice. why is this one thing so impossible? i can’t uber to every appointment every interview every day to daycare and work and pick up and back home.

who will be paying for all these ubers if i don’t have the money?? she says i’m “using her” (to her friends) but doesn’t seem to see things my way. i don’t ask for ANYTHING! yes, she puts a roof over my head and that’s the whole point. that’s enough, i feel selfish asking for anything more.

i just need help. she is too stubborn to see things from my point of view. i honestly think she is the one in “la la land” if she can’t see all the times i’ve tried to get a job, tried to get my permit/license yet haven’t had the help from anyone to get started.

i can’t be the only one it is THIS hard for?! why can she not help me, why did neither of my parents help me? not even going to job interviews or driving.

all i need is help getting started like we ALL do, i assume, so why is it so seemingly hard for me?

as for the father, we are on and off and it’s mostly because of this. it’s hard not living together and he wants a place. we try making it work but it hardly feels like a relationship when we aren’t together half the time. a place of our own would be the goal once i start working.

i know this is painfully long but please help. i just feel so hurt hearing what she said about me today. i feel like such a lazy selfish greedy bum. they were all getting in on it talking about me. i don’t ask anyone for anything, i try to keep to myself and stay out of the way but i just make it worse i guess.

...

not to mention my mental health and the difficulties of taking care of a baby 24/7 all on my own, with absolutely zero break, stuck in my house all day going half crazy because i do not work, nor drive, nor do i live with the father.

i’ve never asked anyone to simply listen for him while i shower, or do anything. i bring him in the bathroom when i wash my face in the morning, when i use the toilet, he showers with me, i carry him downstairs when i make food, laundry, clean, (i hardly eat at this point because my mom orders food for her and my two sisters most nights and doesn’t ask if i want anything, and when she does i say no because again, i hate asking for anything)

when i’m sick i have no help, every second of the night and day that he’s awake, i’m awake, every single time he begins to cry it’s all on me to care for him. i’ve changed every diaper, cleaned all the spit up, given him every bath, dress him every day, put him to sleep every night and for every nap. and i do nothing for myself.

my life is devoted to him. i don’t have money for myself, i wear the same sweatpants nearly every day, i don’t ever go out, i’m struggling in my relationship with the father, all of this has a serious toll on my mental health.

literally the only place i’ve gone in the last 4 months is to his grandmothers house once or twice. i am always here. does it seem like i enjoy this? who would? i love my baby but who in the world wants to live like this? i’m so alone and so sad half of the time. honestly, working sounds like a dream. realistically we’ll probably barely be making it paycheck to paycheck in our own place but i would be so much happier.

but i can’t say any of that because then i’d sound like i’m pitying myself.

please help me