Postpardum depression

I need somewhere to just release all the feelings I’m having, this post may be kind of long.

I had my daughter march 29th, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I instantly fell in love with her.

I had a easy pregnancy, some morning sickness and heartburn but both were manageable. Labour wasn’t terrible; 2 days of constant Braxton Hicks, and an hour and a half of pushing to meet me 8lb 3oz beauty!

In the hospital I felt like a badass! I just had a baby! I felt fierce while looking 6 months pregnant, with my mesh panties and giant pads.

Then I got home.

Then my life fell apart.

We’re farmers, so during March my husband is busy calving out 250 cows, then by the time that is over in May, seeding starts. 16,000 acres to seed. 30 days straight of 6am-11pm.

I was alone. I live almost 2 hours from my family, I have only been here a year so I have limited friends who still had to work and deal with their own children.

I was at an all time low.

I kept thinking, how can I be upset? I wanted this. I wanted a baby. So how is it possible I’m this unhappy?

Suicide crossed my mind. Dreaming about my daughter dying in her sleep and waking up balling and sweating.

I would see other new moms on Facebook/Instagram smiling with their babies. And I just thought to myself, “she never feels like this”, “she has her shit together and LOVES her baby”, “she probably thinks I’m pathetic”

Now, 5 months and a few days into this crazy journey, I still have thoughts of being a failure, like I’m not strong enough, not a good enough mother, like I’m not going enough for my baby, or my husband, or my family.

Every day has its ups and downs, and every week has good days and bad.

I constantly go back and forth on if I can have another baby, if I can handle it mentally.

But I can finally, confidentially, say that I am unbelievably happy with my daughter and the routine we’ve struck up.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done, is ask for help. Because if I hadn’t, I would honestly probably be dead right now.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks ❤️