My husband and I have been trying for 6 months to conceive, and I know that may not sound like a long time to many people, but when you know you made a bad decision 2 years ago that has probably now made you unable to have a baby every period is a reminder of that bad decision.

Several years ago I decided I was over the pill- it made me have crazy mood swings and I gained weight on it- I decided to try the Paragard IUD. I only had it in for about a year (maybe less) and they were the worst months I've ever had of menstrual cycles. I would bleed heavy clots for 2 weeks a month and I would hurt constantly. After several ultrasounds and antibiotics my doctor decided I may just not have enough room for the IUD- it fit but it was very tight. We exchanged the Paragard for the Skyla IUD. I LOVED the Skyla IUD... After a few months I had no period at all, no crazy mood swings, no worries about medicine interactions. After 3 years you have to get the Skyla replaced. I had mine replaced around July or August 2016. When I first got the second Skyla placed I had a light period the first few months then it went away. In February 2017 I had a light bleed/spotting for about 2 weeks. I assumed it was because I hadn't had a period in a few months and thought nothing of it until I went to work one morning and had an odd pain when I tried to sit down. I took some Tylenol which made the pain go away and thought nothing more about it. My mom had a weird hunch and had me take a pregnancy test- it was positive! We went to the ER that night to see what they could pick up on an ultrasound. We knew the risks of getting pregnant while an IUD was in place. I remember the ultrasound tech making the comment, "When women have an ectopic pregnancy, this vaginal ultrasound is almost unbearable." My ultrasound was definitely uncomfortable but nowhere near what I would consider painful. I thought I was in the clear... I was not. An OBGYN came to talk to me a few minutes later. She said my tube was about to rupture with the size of the ectopic- the bleeding I had had the last two weeks was because the tube was about to burst. They could also see on the ultrasound my lower abdomen was beginning to fill with blood. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my right tube. The doctor left the IUD in. She and two other doctors in the practice told me there was no need to worry... The chances of the IUD allowing another pregnancy were pretty much non-existent. They could see it was properly in place and statistically I should be fine. I had reservations but really didn't want to start back on the pill and since 3 different doctors told me I'd be fine, I trusted their opinions and went on with life.

Two months later, I started feeling the same way I had before... Getting hot easily, weird cravings... I took another test and it was positive. This time it was too soon to see where it had implanted so the doctors took out the IUD and had me wait til I was farther along. My progesterone level was extremely low, though, which was concerning. I later on started having some cramps and had to go back to the ER. It was still too early to see where the pregnancy was, but since my progesterone was still at 1 and I had the cramps, the doctor told me it was highly unlikely for this to be a healthy pregnancy, and I decided to go ahead and have the methotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy. Since there was still a slim chance this could have been a viable pregnancy it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I had to go back and have my hcg levels tested to make sure the shot worked. It didn't. Another ultrasound showed the pregnancy was just next to my left ovary, so I had made the right choice. After another round of methotrexate shots the pregnancy finally dissolved.

After almost 2 years my husband and I have began actually trying for a baby. It breaks my heart knowing that I made such a stupid decision to leave my IUD in and now I may never get to have a baby naturally. I think my one remaining tube may have gotten blocked from the scar tissue created from the second ectopic. I can't bring myself to admit to my husband we may remain childless because of my choice. My mom is so supportive but I can't tell her I made a decision that may prevent her from getting a grandchild. I keep watching my sisters-in-law with their kids and hearing them talk about wanting more when they don't take care of the ones they have like they should and it makes me so bitter thinking God may give them their new baby but not me. If I had went with my gut and had that thing removed we wouldn't be in this predicament. I have held so much if this in on myself for so long... I just needed to get it out somewhere. I hate to complain to my loved ones because I don't want to make them sad knowing what I'm going through. I'd rather suffer in silence.