I don't want to do this again

I miscarried today. 5w4d. I am 26 years old and have been married for 6 years. This was my first pregnancy.

I was nervous about the timing but I trusted God with it. Everyday I waited for the other shoe to drop. It seemed to never be coming.

I told my sister that I was pregnant yesterday. I wanted her to know just in case. Just for extra support. In telling her I somehow let myself believe that it was going to be okay. That this child would grow up and have a place in this world. Less than 12 hours later I woke up to bleeding. I was miscarrying.

My poor husband stood beside me (he has a stomach bug) through 3 ultrasounds. He watched me so worried about me. I dont think I can ever do that to him again. I dont think I can worry him like that again. He doesnt deserve that again.

I feel so detached from everything. I know thats normal but I cant help think that maybe this was a rude awakening. Maybe this is God's way of saying that I am not meant to be a parent.

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother and I feel like I cannot do that anymore. I think that maybe I should find a different passion. Maybe start a business or a new hobby. If I fill my time maybe I wont find the need to try and concieve again. Maybe. Hopefully.