Sorry it’s going to be a long story.

SIDE NOTE: I wasn’t allowed to hang with him at night so we had to keep quite.

We were close to two years...he was my bestfriend before we got together. He was attending college in another country.

So, to make him feel better I moved in with his strict family.

Well, one night we were having intercourse. I felt a sharp pain and very uncomfortable. So told him to stop MORE than once and to be exact it was 3 times. He didn’t so my body went into shock, basically I couldn’t move due to me not believing what was occurring.

I was sobbing silently to myself and once he had finished he looked at me and asked if I was okay.

Let me tell y’all I have never cried so much in my life. I was just crying uncontrollably and he asked me what was wrong. And I said, “ you didn’t stopped”. And I begun to shake uncontrollably as if I was really cold and continued to ball my eyes out. He hugged me and cried & apologized.

MY DUMB A** went and said, “ it’s okay.” I was more worried about his mental health than mine and brushed it off.

You know the funny thing is.. a couple days later he asked me to have sex with him again.

The term rape or the idea of it didn’t want to click in my mind because he was my boyfriend of almost TWO years. I was 20 years old. I didn’t want it to sink in better said I didn’t want to believe it. I never expect it to happen to me. Due to it also being a term that shouldn’t be thrown around I didn’t want to pin it down on him or accuse him.

I found my self having anxiety at night and feeling very uncomfortable around him. I didn’t have family in the state that I was in so I was stuck. That obviously didn’t help because I had to push myself through that month until I could get a flight back home. I had to pretend like I was okay. I texted him one night telling him to come to my room, which I told him that I might just go home because I’m having bad anxiety.

Couple days later, his dad read our message and got mad and yelled at us because he came to my room at night. I lied and didn’t say why he came because I was scared of his dad. But that encounter just made it harder for me to even stay there.

I managed to move back home. Which, is when everything started to flood in. I had nightmares of being raped, anxiety, depression, and i starved myself. No one knew but my sister. I started going out drinking a lot and partying all the time. I had trouble sleeping. As well, I found myself constantly crying for no reason like I would just sit down with my mind completely blank and just flat out ball my eyes out.

When I would see pictures of him I would cry instantly and start getting anxiety.

My grandmother found pictures of us. She was so excited, she didn’t knew what had happened, she was like, “ look it’s he who shall not be named* “. I looked and ran out and ran home crying thinking, “ little did you know that was my rapist “. I didn’t have the house keys so I was outside crying. My sister told her,” there’s a reason why she left don’t bring that person up again.” My grandmother came and apologize and unlocked the door for me and I just ran inside and balled my eyes out.

I became a introvert. I’m not as bubbly and a talkative person as I was before.

The trama helped me remember an unpleasant occasions in which i was close to being raped && also was raped that I’ve forgotten.

I had a ex who threw me on my bed and held my hands down and told me,“ I am a man. I am stronger than you and you can’t escape. “ He almost succeeded but i managed to slip out of his grasp & kicked him out.

As well on a separate occasion when I was younger I was raped but never realized it. It was my first time smoking weed and I was stupid high asf. My reaction time was slow as hell. The guy I was hanging with had his hand in my pants and started fingering me. I was so confused on why he was touching me there and didn’t know what was going on but I liked him and I didn’t want him to hate me so I didn’t tell him to stop.

I ended up telling my mom and grandmother. I requested a meeting, which I never do, and I told them what had happened. Boy did that took all my energy to build up to even open my mouth and say it. My hand were shaking and my body as well again as if I was cold. I was crying before I could even say the word. My mom cried and my grandmother was mad. I apologized to them for not speaking to them and locking myself up in my room. As well as my actions because I would never give my mom attention or spoke to her.

A L S O!

He went around saying how I never cared for him because not so long after I ended up in a relationship, which I wasn’t seeking in the first place. I was so mad.. like how are you going to talk crap but not say the whole truth. How am I going to love a man who betrayed my trust?

The only reason I didn’t report him is ,because I’m afraid of tearing his family apart.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve gotten better but then again it’s like am I really okay? I still have trouble sleeping. Some times I do get anxiety but not much. I’m like mentally exhausted. As well, one minute I could be happy next I’m very quite and to myself. I still find myself trapped in my room and not wanting to socialize. LITERALLY, my current boyfriend and his family would be downstairs in the living room talking and I would be in the kitchen alone sitting at the table.

My current SO has been very helpful. I don’t think I’d be okay without him. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to because I didn’t want to pin down my mental issues on someone else. He’s seen my terrible episodes of anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I’d hyperventilate and my body would shake as if I was really cold.

SIDENOTE: I had a close friend && hes religious. I’ve told him the story. He replied saying,” that’s not rape. You put yourself in that position. “

It hurt and I stopped talking to this person because it’s like I know that it was because the after effects to it. TRUST ME! I tried to deny it and look at it differently but I couldn’t.

Thank you for hearing my story. I hope I can fully overcome the mental battles that came with it.

* : she didn’t literally say that I just didn’t want to put a name or his name.