I hate you. TW eating disorder

Extreme trigger warning 🛑🛑

This might be weird as shit but I have to vent. For those of you who have no idea, for me it’s like a different part of me takes over. It literally feels like something else is in control of me. I despise that shit.

⭕️⭕️Dear eating disorder. I hate that you’re a lurking ass bitch. When I’m okay, you’re still there.

You pop up if I accidentally skip a meal and feel hunger. You present the highs I get from that even though I don’t want you to.

I hate that you make me think horrible things about myself and tell me what I do and do not deserve. I hate that you make me take pictures of my body at the worst angles, to point out every flaw I have. I hate that you make me obsess and have to follow a diet with a doctors orders because I cannot manage my food by myself because I.. no YOU spiral out of control.

I hate that when I do FAIL and let you around I have this extreme urge to hide you, I hate that I lie about you to my boyfriend and my mom. I hate that I have to force myself to tell someone and that it feels like ripping out my insides because I want to keep you. You’re an easy coping mechanism, you’re a way to hide what’s really going on. You can be my peace by consuming everything that hurts and replacing it with yourself. But you’re going to fucking kill me. You’re the cruelest joke.

I fucking hate you. I fucking hate that my brain is wired this way and I hate that I will never fucking be rid of you. I say that I’m done and walk away everytime, sometimes feeling so good.. almost being sure that you’re dead. but you hide in my shadow waiting for a weak moment even when I don’t feel you . I hate that I never talk about you because I feel like it makes me weak and vulnerable to judgment and that I might cause you to attack someone else like some contagious disease. I hate that I can’t kill you.

So I’ll continue to try to suffocate you until I die, after a long and healthy life, bitch.