How do you ladies do it...how do you leave a toxic relationship because its toxic and stop thinking and hoping of what it could be or it once was....how do you walk away? how do you walk away alone...how do you cope with the thought of him touching...loving,holding another girl? you may have seen my post with the screenshots about my needing granted permission to call him but the strory is so much deeper then that so I turn to <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> because I no longer have friends because of this relationship.

My first love my first kiss...

The first guy I ever held hands with

The first person to steal my heart...my first and only intimate partner.

How did you go from someone who made life worth living...who made me so incredibly happy to someone who makes me not want to live this life at all.

We met online. Started dating on December 16th 2016.I was just 15 and he was 16.

The phone conversations were constant...247.We were inseparable.

We did live 3 hours away from each other but he came to see me often even if it was for a hour...he would drive nearly 7.I remeber the first time he hurt me...stupid little conversations over apps...kick..snapchat...etc...I knew it was because I wasnt being the girlfriend I needed to be for him...I was mean...not wanting to get close.Hateful and he felt he needed the attention and suport and I was acting as if I was emotionally unavailable to him...I felt terrible and tried to be better but this time was afraid to get close...in fear he would do it again.Ide tell him I felt ge didnt like my body anymore.He would watch porn knowing it hurt me...I cried so hard I passed out in his front seat because I felt my body was not good enouph and never will be.He would ask me to show him how good he can be to me..."we can get better"..."we can get through anything" he says....the distance because test left on read phone calls not picked up and his addition to video games to "escape his depression".(I felt as if it was my fault) .he would tell me the only time he is happy and feels safe and his depression goes away when I'm in his arms.I felt for him.He would ignore me for hours and hours...started lying to me about where he was who he was with due to some meaningless small talk he found on my phone with another guy...just a few playful messages nothing more then being friendly.nothing I hadnt seen but worse on his phone...he would skeak my phone off to the bathroom and go through my phone...we always grew stronger from each incident.I grew more attached because of the way he would look me in the eyes and cry and make promises to me...that were ofcorse always left empty.I didnt want to touch him.I disnt want to kiss him.I would stay sometoems a week at a time at his house and it seemd he would never get off the game but to be intimate with me and a ocasional movie.We could never go to the arcade or anything I wanted...fast farward to the day before Thanksgiving last year he stayed at my house on the couch...Iknew somthing was up so I had to see for myself.i found him in a relationshipwith a girl online from another counrty...sending dirty picture telling her how he was going to save to come and see her Iwas planning to go down to his house that night and was ectramly hesitat but did because he wanted to again "get better" "work on us" fast farward again to december last year .....where I could not get intouch with him because of his gaming and when it was it was him being very mean Istarted talking to a family friend he had hust gotton broken up with and make me feel wanted like i hadnt felt in a while We talked for a few weeks and Itold him i cant leave him i love him to much but he made me see maybe Iwould be in a loyal relationship if i left and have him a chace i Never went out of my way at all to see him he was over atvmy sisters house for a party and I stayed the night (i broke up with my boyfriend before istayed) he kissed me 2 times the next day i called my boyfriend of 3 years and told him and how I cant see myself with anyone but him.he tried to threten suicide so I contacted his dad and he was put in a impatient hospital for a few days. We promised we could get better no more other people etc etc etc...well about 6 months ago.He moved closer to me.Because of all of the times he had hurt me my family didn't like him.I was in GED school that was near his house and I would go for a hour out of the 3 hours everyday just to spend those 2 hours with him...I would leave home when my mom was not there to see him.Well....he got pulled over and apprtently didnt pay a speeding ticket so his licence was suspended...he called me from the jail and I got it all sorted out with his parents to come and get him out...they were upset and took his truck back home 3 hours away with them. I took him food everyday took him grocery shopping etc...one night we got in a small argument i didnt think much of it we argued regularly and the next morning I drove him 3hours one way to pick up his truck took him to get his license renewed...etc and drove 3 hours back home all in one day...well...the very next morning he took off to go to alabama to see another girl...he stayed with her for a week.told me that he was going to meet with someone about a contract.he would message me every night with how much he missed me towards the end of his stay but in the begining he told me he loved her...she was more effectionate like I never was I didnt eat for a week.he came back from whwhenstayed with her just one night (2 days before going back down there and the week long stay.i didnt know he went to see a girl...we were intimate and he wouldn't take off his shirt only for me to find out was because he was covered in hickies from her but he told me they were never sexual she just did that...she ends up pregnant by her ex boyfriend and went back to him.he slept on the couch the entire time he was there...now he wants me to come over and work on us...I can't get what happened out of my head even though I feel like its my fault because I was always mean to him scared i was going to get hurt.I was never affectionate towards him.I feel like maybe if I be the person I never was maybe we could be better then we ever have bewn before...im so stuck but love him so much im so attached to him but typing all of this out im realizing so so much i never sat down and realized before...I have no friness so i felt he was my only friend.