Warning: content regarding miscarriage and abuse experiences and how it affects current pregnancy

Erm

I need to share here, I know it’s public but I have no one else to talk to about this... so I just need to vent. Please don’t be judgemental about this, please be kind and considerate.

I dunno how to say this but I am currently confirmed pregnant by my doctors blood test which said positive for HcG. I am currently terrified of the prospect of losing my baby due to history. I am so happy that I am pregnant again. This is my third pregnancy and I have one child whom is my world and love to bits and have always wanted a sibling for them.

Backstory (May be distressing to read, if you need to skip to bottom please do)

As a older teenager I was subject to domestic abuse, I know domestic abuse in teenagers is not often spoke about but I was in a relationship where I was made to feel sacred to be in and sacred to be out of, where I was abused in many ways, and sometimes I was pressured into sex. when I was with this lad on and off for five years I found out I was expecting a baby as a result of this abusive relationship. This was at a time only a few months after my uncle who was the only father type figure in my life passed away with cancer. I refused to admit to myself that my uncle had died and that he was gone And therefore was unable to grieve for him. I also separated myself from anything to do with where he lived in a town by the sea and what we used to do together. Anyway I found the courage to tell my boyfriend at the time who was abusive and he simply accused me of lying and said that I tried to get pregnant behind his back which wasn’t true. This lie was spread to all my friends and I lost everyone I knew except family who were oblivious to this happening. I felt so numb inside but I was so scared to shout at him or argue back or defend myself cos of how he made me feel worthless and trapped. But inside me all the while was this guilt about not going to my uncle grave to say goodbye. So I decided that enough was enough and that I had to face the fact he was gone so on May bank holiday I decided that I needed to go to his town to visit his grave. After all this man who was my uncle was the closest thing I have ever had to a dad, but I also decided to invite my abusive boyfriend to come too for moral support (although when I look back on it today I see that as a stupid mistake). So we got on the train for a 2 hour journey and went to the seaside to spend the day at the sea and to visit his grave so I could say goodbye for the first time. Still at this point my boyfriend thought I was lying and didn’t bealive me that I was actually pregnant. Inside I was crying so much. I needed and wanted my uncle back and at the same time I was so scared cos only my boyfriend and the people he spread the roumer to knew about the pregnancy and not my family. My family are traditional and strict and I was terrified of being kicked out of home or told off or had a go at simply cos I was pregnant. I never believed in abortion so when I found out I instantly knew I had no choice other than to keep the baby. I remember the day by the sea clearly. It was wet cold and very windy, my trousers were soaked through and breaking at the hem on the floor cos they were too long. The waves were high and frequently crashing onto the beach. At the end of the day I knew it was time to go home but I was still crying inside and at this point my stomach was in a lot of pain, so much that I couldn’t stand up while waiting for the train home but I said nothing. On the way home my boyfriend saw that I was in pain even though I was trying to hide it and I remember him saying “you really are pregnant aren’t you”, I just nodded and smiled and then looked away. He started to say sorry again and again and promise that he will try to look after me and the baby and while putting his hand on my tummy said that he will try to be there for me and be a good father. I ignored him cos I had enough of his abuse. I was determined that if I had to have this baby I would do it alone. When we got to our train station I got off, went out separate ways and went home, the pain wasn’t as bad at this point so I could walk the 10 minutes to my house, as I got home I went upstairs and locked myself in my bedroom, went to the top left corner of my room and just cried and cried before going to bed and crying myself to sleep, the next morning I woke up in so much pain and my bed felt so damp, and I look and I was sitting in a pool of blood. It was obvious what had happened. Thankfully my parents were not home they had gone to work so I went and grabbed a pad and went to the youth sexual health and pregnancy clinic cos I didn’t know where else to go, I was so scared and that place was familiar. They opened a counselling room and let me took for ages about what had happened and they told me there that I had miscarried. I just cried and cried and cried. I told me boyfriend and the loss made him retaliate on me. He blamed the miscarriage on me like it was my fault and I am the one who caused it. But in a way this was a blessing cos this was the one thing that gave me the courage to walk away from him for good, even though I was terrified of him coming to find me and hurting me. To this day that abuse and miscarriage wrecks my mental health and trust in men.

Now:

I just realised that this baby is due to be born 10 years in the same month that when I had to go through losing my first. I wish I didn’t work that one out even if it was by accident. There just 11 days difference. This baby due around 20th May 2020. Miscarried on 31st May 2010, day after May bank holiday I realised what happened, 1st June.

I dunno right now whether to cry or to be happy that this is another chance. Every year on the anniversary of the miscarriage I end up in tears and I cry alone cos until two years ago where I got the courage as an adult to finally tell my parents what happened (and they told me that I should of come to them that they would of been ok with it and support me), until then None of the people still in my life ie family knew, and I really hate to talk about it. My current pregnancy right now with my second baby I hope that is born safe and well, it feels awkward and tainted purely cos it’s due to be born on the 10th anniversary of the death of my first pregnancy.

Well there you are. Sorry that this post is long. I just really needed to vent.