Why do I feel like this? Trigger

Back in 2016 I had my daughter in May, shortly after I found out dec 18th I was pregnant again. I was on birth control so that pregnancy was unintentional! When I found out I cried, we didn’t want another and felt confused about what to do. A few days later I miscarried, I felt relief not sadness like most; I rarely think about it and the only time I remember is if I’m asked or reminded by a post and that’s when I get emotional. My baby would have been 3 this year in December, right behind my daughter. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with my 4th but 3rd living and I think all the time about how I’d have 4 kids right now and not just 3!. But after all these emotions flow through I’ll feel nothing and go on about my day😞 I feel awful like my last baby didn’t matter and I can’t help it.

I feel horrible