I’m 30, I have a 15 month old, a wonderful husband and a place to call home. Our child took 3 years to conceive. We’ve been trying for a year for our next and I’m currently still miscarrying. We went to a fertility doctor and we got pregnant-yay-but baby didn’t stick long. I haven’t cried yet I thinking I’m bottling it up. I’ve never been one to talk about my emotions, feelings or thoughts. I feel my husband starting to make himself more like me when really he’s sensitive, caring, sharing and open. This breaks my heart because I don’t want to be this closed off I just had some frequent unhappy experiences growing up that have shaped some things about me. I’m trying to work on it but it really makes me sad to see my husband losing the part of him that I desired to learn about. When we got together we talked about how we wanted four kids. That’s been the plan and I really hope it stays the plan, but being as after 4 years we have 1 living child and a failed pregnancy in starting to feel that time is against us. I don’t want to have children after 35/36 because of the statistics, our desires to foster before retiring and what is seemingly right to our family. I’ve been feeling the calling on my heart to adopt. I keep feeling this hard tug and it seems to be popping up everywhere in my life. It’s almost as if God told me it’s time for another child but not from my own body. It doesn’t make sense. My husband is a brand new believer and with my inability to open up and tell him what’s on my heart I feel like I’m doing damage. I can write out all my thoughts and emotions on paper and let him read it but the moment he wants to talk about it I get defensive and almost angry. I do not want to cry in front of him-or anyone for that matter, but especially him. I asked him if we did foster to adopt after fostering for a bit and he said its too far out to know but probably not because we’ll be too old. What if adoption isn’t something he feels is right but I do? What if we only have one child...or two when our hearts felt that four was right? How can God fulfill His plan for us when the cards have been dealt this way? My greatest sadness over this miscarriage is seeing how poorly I respond to things emotionally and how little I trust that God can do it right now. I’m disappointed in myself. Two days prior to the miscarriage my little one broke a bone so maybe it’s that I’ve been too preoccupied with the appointments and his injury. But. I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing in so many ways. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. I’ve prayed for a softer heart, I’ve prayed for clarity, I’ve asked God for signs and all I see is adoption and fostering, I’ve prayed that I stop desiring things and just be ready for whatever comes from His plan. I feel like there’s so many unanswered prayers or that I’m just failing to see the answers. I’m just rambling here, but man, my heart is heavy with failure.