I don't love the father to my child anymore but he won't let me go.

So my partner and I met last year in January, we were only together for a month and a half before I fell pregnant with our son.

The start was amazing. He was the best guy I'd ever met and everything I've looked for, but that was obviously just the mask he put on and didn't show me his true colours first. I decided to keep the baby because I thought I'd love him forever and that what he showed me was who he really was. He was sweet, fun, independent, so loving (still is).

About 13 weeks into the pregnancy my sex drive TOOK a dive and 11 months post partum it still hasn't come back. This lead to him getting frustrated and angry at me all the time. He put so much pressure on me and he still does. He started to throw things near me, break things in our house, mostly my things, yell at me. He literally start to act like a spoilt child. He's a brat. When we first met I knew he smoked weed, and he said that because I was there he didn't need to smoke it, and he didn't. Which I thought was great, all my ex's were serious stoners and we're so boring, always putting their habit first before anything else, and I thought 'finally someone different!'

His anger issues are out of control. I didn't realise he was such an angry person until I was about 10 weeks and he yelled at his mum about something so stupid, and completely belittled her, his Dad speaks to her the same way. That was the first time I'd seen him display such behaviour.

When I was giving birth he was so great. I was in hospital recovering from my C-section with our son and he'd come to the hospital every morning and night and whenever he could to see us, he'd cry because he wanted us home. Well, the time came for my son and I to be discharged from the hospital and I called him to pick us up and he absolutely cracked it "what right now?! My friends just came over and now I have to tell them to leave?!" He said. I was like "what? Yes right now?! Tell them to leave! I've been here for 5 days I've tired, I want to go home!", He made the packing up to get everything in the car so fucking hectic, he was angrily shoving things into my hospital bag and hurrying us to leave and mumbling angry shit under his breath, when I was tender from the surgery even the midwives were looking at him like he had issues and I was so embarrassed, he made something that was supposed to be a sweet moment so fucking horrible...

When our son was 4 months old he got pissed off about him having to do paperwork for Centrelink so i could get my payments sorted for our child. He threw a printer at the wall, one my mum had just bought us... He screamed in my face as I was holding our child and it made my little boy cry, I was furious, it would have scared him so much. He's constantly yelling in front of our now 11 months old son about how much he hates life and how much he needs more money, and when he doesn't have weed? Look out, he's such a negative person. I hate the fact my son has to grow up around someone so negative. When our son was about 6 months old, my partner and I went to a concert (the baby got baby say by my partners mother while we went) and he made the drive back living hell, he drove up the wrong side of the road yelling at me saying he was sick of breathing, I honestly thought he was going to kill us, literally over the fact that the fuel station was closed. I was scared. He does things like this almost every 2nd day. Getting shitty over nothing! Small tiny things! I'm over trying to be happy when he brings me down so much. There's no point into trying to be happy when he isn't. He ruines my day all the time. Even his parents have noticed the change in him, and they think he needs to get help.

I left him about 2 months ago because of this anger. And he begged and cried and wanted me back, write me a letter saying what he would do to change, saying he would cut back on smoking, he wouldn't grow weed anymore, he wouldn't stress about money anymore if I wasn't stressing, he wouldn't get angry about the baby waking him up in the middle of the night because we co-sleep, I went back to him. He still does all of these things and he hasn't changed. We've gone to get mental health plans but the Drs said that we don't need them because our issues are all 'situational' and that it'll pass. When?! When my baby is old enough to figure out what's going on and that he can speak to me the way his father does and become depressed about life because that's how his father speaks about it? Fuck off with that shit. He needs anger management. I don't love him anymore. I haven't for along time, I want to be happy 😔☹️

I think of life as a gift and I want our baby to think so too. I get he's stressed and that he needs and wants more work to provide for us that it's no excuse to get so angry about it and life. I don't want my son thinking life revolves around money and that you can't can be happy without it. I thought that my sex drive was low but I got hormone testing done and it says they are all fine so maybe I'm thinking I just don't want to have sex with him anymore? I don't even really want him kissing me, I feel uncomfortable like I'm kissing a friend, not how it used to be... What should I do? Am I selfish? By the way we are living week to week and I'm sick of him spending $100 a week on weed when we can NOT afford it. I just want to move in with just my baby and myself and focus on being happy.

The other night, he got shitty because our son like to gravitate towards him at night, idk maybe because his body temp is warmer than mine? Anyway, he got up and physical pushed/slid our son over to my side, I got our son and took him back into his room. It was clear rejection and it broke my heart watching him push his son away from him. I always see other days holding their son while they sleep, he says it's uncomfortable sleeping with our son but still, he should want to!

So I've been trying to feel love for him again but I just don't :( I don't feel any love for him. I feel like it's too far gone, I'd rather be single and look after my son. He won't let me go, he keeps saying "what am I going to do? I'll hardly get to see him, that's fucked"