this sounds stupid lmao but it’s me being honest

every morning when i wake up, i just think, maybe if i stayed asleep, if i died in my sleep the night before, would anyone care? and when i tell people this, even people i don’t know, they say of course they would. but i don’t believe it. i’m not a nice person. i don’t talk to people, mostly because i don’t want to. i’m always annoyed. i’m a grump and i’m only 16. i’m depressed and my mom wants me to change that. she wants me to start medicine and i get where she’s coming from, she’s worried. but i’ve been on 3 different types of medication, it’s not worth it cause it doesn’t work. and i’m selfish, i won’t go on medication again for it. and as sad and wrong as this sounds. i want to be sad. hell i wanna cry every damn night and i don’t know why. i don’t want to be happy right now and i hate myself for putting my mom through it cause she has to deal with me. i hate myself. but i wanna be sad. i wanna cry about my grandpas death. i want to feel emotions. i want to feel real sadness. i want to be able to grieve with my best friends death. medicine doesn’t let me do that, it makes you happy, it doesn’t let you feel sad or depressed. i need to do that to get over his death. him leaving me behind. and people can call me crazy for saying it, maybe i am. i know i am. i just want to be sad.