Tonight I just want to cry

H 💫

This has been the most quiet journey of my life and my marriage. I married really young (18) straight out of high school and I don’t regret it one bit. I moved away from my family to what I thought would be me starting my own family. As bad as it may sound I don’t have “aspirations” when it comes to a career. The only thing I have ever wanted in life was to be a mom and a wife. And wouldn’t you imagine being a mom is the only thing it seems like I will never be? We went a year trying on our own to have a baby. Gathering cute little gender neutral Knick-knacks. Tiny football jerseys, books about colors - the list goes on and on. We eventually started going to doctors to find the root of the problem. Medical bills piling up, a couple grand paid out of pocket just for Aunt flow to show back up. I’ve cried on my knees praying just to get another negative pregnancy test. Getting comments on how I should just “stop trying and it’ll happen” , “you’re too young anyways” , “ take mine for a weekend and you won’t want kids anymore” Etc I’ve begun symptom spotting every single thing that goes on with my body and for some reason my delusional ass brain thinks I’m pregnant every single month. I’m just fucking tired.