Please read it all before commenting. It’s really bad but I need reassurance that I’m not the worst mom ever. Or for someone to tell me if I am.

So, I came back to work on Sept 1st. So I had 8 weeks of leave because my sons daycare required all of his shots. I had planned on 6 weeks, but I enjoyed the last 2 weeks.

Well, a couple days before I started back to work I told my husband I would need help and we needed to take turns for his night feeding (3am) He owns his own store so he used to get up a 3 and get ready for work so he got him every morning. I really appreciated it. I still do, but now I feel bad. It’s been a month and a half and I’ve only fed him at night 3-4 times. His cry doesn’t even wake me up half the time. I feel so bad. I don’t wanna be that wife or mom that doesn’t do my part. And now that he’s in daycare I feel worse because I don’t feel like I’m doing everything I can. I come home and play with him, do tummy time, change his diaper and all that but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve told my husband I would get our son at night and help out more but he keeps telling me no and that he’s got it. I love him for that but I know how hard it is and to go to work on top of that is awful. This morning we all were up at 3 because he was wide awake. It was fine, because today is Friday! Well, tonight he is going to his aunts house (my SIL) which he usually goes to every other weekend if not 1 night every weekend. (We want all of them to be close and it helps us keep up with our marriage) his sister is 7 years older than us and has 3 kids and they all love him to death and we love them. Plus, lately my mental health has been very bad. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 2 years ago but a few months ago we decided I was probably misdiagnosed because I don’t really have “depression symptoms” I have depression times, angry times, very happy times, shy times, time where I’ll throw stuff and bite my hand to the point I’ll bruise myself, hit myself in the head (it’s really bad and embarrassing so please don’t bash me) and I’ll cry over nothing all the time. Most of this has recently happened and it’s hard to feel like I shouldn’t be around my kid. I have an appointment with a new doctor next Friday to see if she thinks this is depression or something else. My mom is bi polar and I kinda think that’s what I have but I want a doctor who actually cares and my SIL uses her and loves her. I’m hoping that will help me out to be a better wife and mom. I would NEVER hurt my child or lay a hand on my husband. When I’m having a bad episode it usually comes out in my words or I’ll go to the other room and have my really bad episodes.

Between all that, I feel like I’m failing as a mom. I’m not as good as I should be. Has anyone else felt like this? Or somewhat?