It's long but please help me. 😞

first a disclaimer: i would like to say that i have NOT been diagnosed with anything & while i am going to use the terms anxiety attack, depression, etc i do not know if that is what i am actually experiencing; however, i do not use these terms lightly and am not trying to invalidate someone who has been diagnosed.

I have had "anxiety" for a very long time. It started when I was 12/13 and i would just have like "anxiety attacks" about having to go to the doctor. don't know why i only had them there just did. being so young her advice was to just try and calm myself, breathe in a bag, etc. throughout the years i noticed it would get worse, not in particular situations just randomly. I could be laying on the couch & all of a sudden it's like i am about to freak the hell out for no reason. a rush takes over my body and all i could do was just shake & try to catch my breath.

fast forward to now & i feel like i have actually gone crazy. slowly (past 2-3 years) i have noticed that i have been very "up & down" not that there really is an up because all of my days are bad just some worse than others. I now feel like I have been struggling with "depression" & never realized it because i thought these feelings & thoughts were "normal." I am very unhappy with life and myself and can't pinpoint why. i think i really feel like no one truly loves me and cares for me like i do about them which i know isn't true i know i have friends who care about me and love me but i just feel like i don't. i know it doesn't make any sense but i just have it stuck in my head that no one loves me and i'm just worthless & useless and i don't even know. but then it's like i don't even know if i really feel like that or if i just want myself to believe that. everything is a conflict within me and i feel like i'm at war with myself 24/7 and i'm just so tired of it. i'm tired of battling it every day and just telling myself that one day it'll change or might get better. i'm just lying to myself all the time and that starts another conflict because i'm lying to myself and it's never ending. my brain never stops. i'm so tired and worn out. And then i feel so fucked up and stupid for even thinking like this and that cause another problem and i'm so overwhelmed and i don't even know about what. like i'm just tired of me, myself & i can't escape myself & i don't even know what to do anymore. my "anxiety" has gotten 1000x worse. I constantly feel on edge, so scared/worried that i become nauseous, and like my heart is going to come out of my body. I have noticed that it's especially bad at night. I have to cry, shake, & throw up for hours before i finally become so exhausted i just pass out. I do not know why i feel this way, what "triggers" it, anything! Everything is unknown and i feel like i am crazy. i have lost my mind or am just in my own head about feeling this way.

my question is, is this TRUE anxiety & depression? can anyone relate? i don't want to seek help and just be a burden with my issues and me just be "emotional" or something. I don't know how much more i can take. it has taken everything in me to even confess this and put it out there.