So after Five years I am ready to tell my story! Unfortunately it doesn’t have a happy ending and for some they will judge and etc but sit back its going to be a long post.

Five years ago I found I was pregnant with my second son let’s just say I was devastated, I wanted a girl that was my plan one boy and one girl. But when I went to my ultrasound it was a boy.

I was so sad that I couldn’t even tell anyone with out bursting into tears 😭 I cried all the time. Well when I was 6 months pregnant my husband at the time and baby father went to jail and was serving a few months in Jail.

Well my due date was October 22 my moms birthday. Well baby had other plans it was August and I was feeling Some cramping and not feeling to well. At the time my sister and I were pregnant at the same time and In fact we where 6 days apart in due date. I was the 22nd and she was due the 28th we where both also having boys and we both lived in the same apartment building I was on the first floor she was on the third floor. I called my sister told her I wasn’t feeling to well and wanted to get check out, I asked if she could watch my oldest while I went. She agreed and I left, well when I got to LD they told me I was five cm and that I was being admitted.

I called my sister and told her and asked if she could come so I wasn’t alone, she said she would ask mom to watch my oldest son. Well my mom was with her girlfriend and didn’t want to watch my son and my sister baby father didn’t feel comfortable staying with him either so I had no one. Well about an hour or so later my blood pressure sky rocketed and I started having seizures. When I came to it a doctor checked me and told me she felt my babies hand and that we needed to do an emergency C section. She also told me I would be put to sleep because she didn’t want me seizing in the OR. So I walked to the OR which was a terrifying thing for me and into the very cold OR I had a nurse by my head, I gave her my phone and asked her to take pictures. counted back from ten and woke up in the ICU in so much agonizing pain. I didn’t remember what happened and my first instinct was to get up which was a big mistake. I started screaming someone stole my baby and before I knew it a nurse came in and told me I had a baby boy that was transferred to a different hospital because he needed better NiCu care. I was 32 weeks and baby was born August 29, 2014

3 ponds 9 ounce. They told me I would be in ICU for a few more hours. I was still on heavy meds for the seizures and I was pretty weak they transferred me via hoyer lift and down to The maternity ward. My sister couldn’t visit till the next day when my mom could watch my oldest. Well I was so out of it and somewhere between the ICU and the maternity ward communications got lost i had been transferred the day prior down but no one in maternity knew I was in the room I was in, well not until my sister came in and saw a puddle of urine from my catheter bag that was over flowing and blood everywhere on the sheets I was so weak and droggy my sister started to yell and scream and went into the hall and started yelling the charge nurse came in the room and gaspedand said she didn’t know who I was or why they didn’t know I was there, it was 10:30ish and a bunch of nurses came in helped me out of bed and cleaned the floor and sheets and my sister washed me the best she could. She was yelling at them that I haven’t had breakfast or anything and I am a type 1 diabetic also so no insulin either. Breakfast came and a man in a black suit who apologized and told me if I needed anything not to hesitate and etc and a card with his number. At this point I just wanted to transferred to the hospital my baby was in and to feel better I was still in so much pain. The thought of a cough, fart, or anything just seemed like torture to me. Well the next day I was transferred and honestly if you have never dealt with little babies or Nicu I feel like you should be warned or talked to before hand because I wasn’t prepared to see such a little baby with so many tubes and machines and stuff. My baby was 32 weeks but his lungs where the side of 26 weekers lungs and it was very traumatizing for me. My sister was with me and she you know was still pregnant and it was hard on her too. After a few day’s I was discharged and baby stayed in NiCu. I didn’t drive or anything and it was tuff to find help with my oldest so I could get to the other hospital that was half hour away driving or 2 plus hours away on a bus.

Well about 8 days after I was discharged I got a double Breast infection and that was the end of pumping. I got a special number to give whenever I called in to get info on the baby. Well after a few days and weeks of bad news and longer stay for baby I was getting more attached to my older son (we always had a close bond) and not so much for baby. Well after 4 months in NiCu and a month in special care baby was finally able to come home and honestly I didn’t know what to expect. By now I am use to sleeping through the night and my routine with my oldest. Well NiCu babys are use to lights on and being touched every few hours and etc well I liked sleeping in the dark and he would cry and I didn’t know what to do with him. I felt so lost and so emotionless and the more struggles i had with the baby the closer I got to my oldest. Well I told a counselor at the school my son was going to and she recommended a program that would help me bond and stuff along with a therapist. But I couldn’t find that bond with baby. Like I would care for him and all his needs but when it came to holding or loving or things like that I couldn’t. It was like I was waiting for his real Mom to come back and get her baby. I felt convinced that he wasn’t my baby and didn’t understand why I couldn’t bond with him so easily if he was in fact my son. My family knew about my struggle and told me it would go away and etc well I felt bad I felt like I couldn’t keep the baby that it wasn’t fair to him that he would grow up and say hey why does she love him more than me? Or what did I do that she doesn’t love me. I didn’t want to affect his outlook on women because I wasn’t able to love him like a son but more of a nephew or close relative. I did tell the dad about my struggles and he didn’t seem to care. I told him that when he came home from jail that the baby was his responsibility and the oldest was mine. I was really struggling and no I never hurt the baby but I was overwhelmed with him and didn’t have help. My sister had her baby recently and was adjusting to her new role as a mom and my mom was in a manic faze she’s bipolar. So I had no one to turn to, my baby father’s family are drug addicted so I knew I could trust them. My baby father came home from jail only to fall back into drugs and etc.

well one night I couldn’t do it anymore I had enough of this baby who was about 8 months old and still very small and still catching up. I sat down wrote a letter an anonymous letter and I walked to the hospital where baby was born and gave the women at the reception desk a car seat and letter and Walked away. I had my oldest with me and we walked back home where I cried the entire way. I felt so confused and didn’t know what to do. The next day I told my mom and sister what I did and they where so mad. Telling me why didn’t I come to them or give them the baby that if they knew I was that overwhelmed they would have helped me more. MY families the all talk type so I knew they where full of it and I was so scared I didn’t know what to do so I called my therapist and told her what i did told her they didn’t know it was my baby and asked her if I could come in. Well to my surprise my therapist called the police who where at my apt when I got there! I told them my story and they told me they weren’t pressing charges because baby was unharmed and was healthy and they understood it was out of circumstances that I did what I did and that they wished more women would walk to a hospital vs hurting or killing there baby.

The baby was placed with two men who are incredibles parents to him. They wanted me in his life but after a few months I couldn’t bear the pain and felt i went through enough.

I TPR and closed the adoption.

I never and still haven’t understood why this happened or why I felt like this. I felt like something was taken from me that day in the hospital. It’s hard for me to talk about it and I am very uneasy about the whole experience even after five years. His birthday is still tuff because it wasn’t a happy day for me and I hate my scar and my body. I still haven’t had any more children due to fear. I got married a few years ago to a wonderful man and he’s been very helpful to me and heaven sent. I am truly blessed with him and my oldest. But I still live with this pain of my past.

I am sure I’ll get some hate on this post but honestly if you have never been through what I’ve been through then you shouldn’t judge. I did the right thing I didn’t hurt him or kill him or do anything like that I simply made a choice to give him what I felt was a better life. Do I regret it NO and some will understand and some wont. But ppd is a serious thing that I feel NiCu and special care should talk about or have a support group or idk because in my situation I didn’t have a way there or child care so idk. But it’s definitely tuff.

Well if you made it this far thanks for reading 📖 deep breath in and deep breath out.