I just need to say this out loud... even if it makes me sound like a terrible person

Well, I am pregnant and trying very hard to have even emotions about it.

I should start with this. I am happily married, my children (I have two) are my world, we are financially quite stable, I have a job I love and have potential for growth in, I am the breadwinner in my family, and overall I have a beautiful life. This will be my 5th pregnancy (with two healthy babies, and two pregnancies ending in first trimester miscarriages).

My most recent child is 13 months old. My body has always responded badly to birth control, so after trying several rounds of the depo shot (that my doctor thought I would tolerate better) we were considering other options and using condoms... my sex drive was so low (I believe from the depo and breastfeeding) that we literally had sex 1 time the month I got pregnant. I neglected to realize I could have been ovulating, but we did use a condom. I’m not going to pretend we were as protected as we should have been, but I still feel this baby ‘beat the odds’ in some ways 😂.. please no hateful comments on birth control, it’s not helpful

I wasn’t looking to have another baby right now, if ever (my husband and I were both borderline on having a third, which is why we hadn’t pulled the trigger on one of us ‘getting snipped’). Now I have this worry that I will have a miscarriage and have all of the emotions with that, or have a baby and start that phase again.

I am so conflicted with this pregnancy. I KNOW I will love all of my children and this is a blessing, but also stressful in being unplanned. Abortion was never a thought and will never be an option for me, but getting on board has been hard.