I'm going through a time in my life where I'm doing major soul repair. I've grown up dealing with trauma after trauma and I'm finally healing my damage.

Super quick background:

I grew up living with my grandparents (who were like my real parents), my mom (she worked round the clock) my uncle and aunt (who were only 17 when i was born & still living home).

Everyone raised me and of course i was so close to them. When i was 9 my mom got married to a guy who started abusing me. He made me move in with him to be a "real family" snd never let me say goodbye to my grandparents. They passed away before i could spend my last days with them when i was 10. My aunt and uncle abandoned me emotionally and fell down the drug path. My step father stoped allowing my entire family to speak to me and my mom. By high school i was suicidal and heading down a drug and scummy path. I went to a mental hospital for 3 months after trying to kill myself. Finally when i was 16 my aunt got custody of my after CPS was involved because i finally had the nerve to report my step father for all the abuse. I moved in with her and my mom said i ruined the family and didn't talk to me for 2 years. my step father wouldn't let me see my sister who was 10 years younger than me. Court finally granted permission to see my sister, 2 weeks later my step father moved my mom and sister 6 states away. That was 5 years ago, I'm currently 21, just got my own apartment and car and starting my life. After i moved in with my aunt i got myself on the right path (which was 'easy' once i was out of my abusive house) and joined the police academy.

I say all this because i think it may have to do with this obsession i have. On to my real concern now:

Starting around 7th grade, i was 12, i started obsessing about being pregnant. I didn't even know how babies where made but i wanted one so bad. I would ask god to make me pregnant. I would push my stomach out and truly convince myself i was pregnant. In 9th grade, 14 years old, i bought the book "what to expect when expecting" i read the whole thing. I was convinced i was pregnant (i was a virgin). I told friends i was pregnant, i wanted people to think i was pregnant. I stuffed my shirt, i made a baby registry and filled the whole thing. I would pick out names. I was obsessed. All i did was look at pregnancy pictures and new born pictures. I would cry every single day because i wanted a baby so bad. This lasted all through high school. I became extremely sexually active. I tried to get pregnant and would pray to get pregnant. (I never did) i slept with over 15 guys and each time i would imagine what it's be like if i had a baby. I stoped stuffing my shirts my senior year. My my metal state was still extremely toxic.i wanted a baby so bad, what's messed up is that i didn't want the father to be involved. In my head i knew that i would cut the father off because i wanted a baby all to myself. I got a boyfriend when i was 17, he was 19. I would lie about being on birth control. I tried to get pregnant so many times. He knew my troubles and abandoned issues, instead of leaving he made me get help. He helped me realize that what i was doing wasn't normal.i got help. But fast foward to now. I'm 21 and we are still together. I want a baby so bad that i cry and have panic attacks every day. I keep it contained inside because i know it's an obsession. I Don't try to get pregnant anymore, but i pray everyday that i do. What's wrong with me? I want a baby so bad I'm willing to do anything. I even thought about leaving my boyfriend and finding a desperate old man who wants to kids just so i can have my babies. I scream and cry everyday. I spend all day looking at pregnancy and baby stuff. I stopped myself frim all things baby fir a month but it felt like i was pushing apart of myself away, it got so bad that i exploded and had a mental breakdown. So now i feed my obsession everyday by watching videos and looking at baby cloths. Every month i spend $40 on tests even when i know I'm not pregnant. I make myself truly believe I'm pregnant, and then when i get my period i rage. This happens every month.

Why am i addicted to wanting to be pregnant? I feel mentally ill. No one understands. I've had this obession since before i even understand the concept of pregnancy and having a baby.

Anyone have any ideas why?