Serious Anxiety

When I was 16, I gave my son to an incredible family with an open adoption plan. I was too young and had too many dreams to be a mom at that age, and his father was not a great guy. I did what I felt was right for him. He went to a family who could provide all the love and support and life he deserved. I've kept in touch over the last 8 years. He knows I'm his birth mother and I made a very hard decision for him. I do sometimes regret my decision, mostly for selfish reasons, but I'm so so proud of who he is and what his family has given him to be who he is!

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with my first child since having him. I'm having another boy. I'm in a great place in life. I have a great job, a supportive spouse and family, and a degree I would have struggled to get as a teen mother.

But I can't help this ridiculous fear of not knowing if I'm going to be a good mom. I gave my first son "away" and all I had to think about when I had him was the delivery process and going home. This time around, I'm planning years ahead and getting things organized. It's overwhelming. I'm afraid I'm going to freeze or not love my son because my first experience was so different and it changed my life in so many ways. My first delivery was traumatic and scary and I had terrible PPD after. I'm worried the entire experience will ruin this one and I won't be attached to the child I am taking home. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But I am terrified of being a mom now that I've gotten this close to having him here with me.

I just need words of wisdom to get through this anxiety or someone who knows what I'm saying. I've talked to my spouse and he gets it to a point, but I feel alone in my anxiety.