On August 27th, I took a pregnancy test for the first time and saw a faint positive. I couldn’t breathe. There was no way. I’d barely been off birth control for a month at this point so I decided I would take another test in the morning. On August 28th, I took a digital test, the countdown stopped, and there on the little screen was the word, “pregnant.” I was in total shock though my husband was delighted. I felt so sick on my drive to work that morning and was a nervous wreck when I told my best friend and continued to ask her questions about her pregnancy the year before.

Fast forward to September 24th. My husband and I went to our very first appointment. We saw our little blob and found out we were 6 weeks and 5 days and that the due date was May 14th. I had expected the worst and seeing that heartbeat and getting the congratulations eased my worries.

Fast forward again to October 8th. After a busy day as a high school teacher, I finally get a potty break at 3:00 o’clock when the last student walks out of my room. To my utter horror, there was dark brown discharge in my panties and when I wiped. Knowing my mom’s history of miscarriage and issues with pregnancy, I was mortified. I automatically thought the worst and knew I was miscarrying. I tried to call my OB to no avail and thus decided to go to the ER. At the ER, my doctors and nurses showed no real concern. Like this entire situation was completely normal despite my anxiety surrounding the situation. Knowing I was supposed to be a little over 8 weeks pregnant at this point, the only examinations I had was a pelvic exam and blood work. I was thus diagnosed with a UTI and sent home with a prescription for antibiotics.

The following Sunday, I got a call from the ER switching my antibiotics since the bacteria was resistant to the original. I knew my pharmacy was closed, so I had to wait until the next day to get the medicine that was called in for me. A few days passed, my weird discharge came back, and my pharmacy had never received the prescription so I called my OB. I was then connected to 4 different people and required to explain my situation each time. Finally, the fourth person was able to get my prescription sorted out and my husband picked it up for me that same evening. I started the new antibiotic and thought everything would be fine now.

For a few days everything seemed to be looking up, the discharge was less and less pigmented every day and we were getting closer and closer to being able to share our exciting news. What could go wrong?

The following Saturday, my mom was visiting and helping me take care of some chores. As I was putting away laundry, I felt a gush of what had to be blood. I immediately went to the toilet where there was bright red blood. It looked like I had been stabbed even though I knew that wasn’t the case. I yelled for my mom and she suggested I try laying down to see if that would help the bleeding since I wasn’t in any pain. After 2 days on bed rest, I was hardly bleeding so I hoped everything was going to be fine.

On Monday, I called my OB and tried to get my appointment for Thursday moved up due to my situation. They refused and so I had to go back to the ER even though I felt that they had not treated me properly on my first visit. This ER visit was totally different from the first. The doctor was much more tentative and was being positive about the situation though you could tell she had some concerns. I was sent for an ultrasound and had to do bloodwork again. The ultrasound techs acted weird through the entire procedure and that was my first hint that something was wrong. My husband watched the screen during the procedure and noticed that things looked a lot different this time and that the baby didn’t seem to be bigger. We tried not to think anything of it since we’re not doctors but my degree in biology had provided me with enough knowledge of this situation to expect what was coming next. The ER doctor came back into the room and told us that we were, in fact, having a miscarriage. She gave us the typical warnings of blood loss and cramps and sent us on our way. I was sad about this little baby that would never really get to be but I was more angry at the fact that my baby could have been dead when I went to the ER the first time. I had so many thoughts running through my mind.

My boss was more than understanding and encouraged me to take the week to mourn. When I went to my OB appointment that Thursday, I was informed that my baby had stopped growing around 6 weeks, confirming my suspicion that my baby was gone when I went to the ER over the suspicious discharge the first time. My anger flared again despite the fact that I knew there was nothing anyone could have done at that point either.

Fast forward to today... I’ve just passed what was left of the gestational sac, the last bit of pregnancy tissue that was still in my uterus at my ultrasound appointment last week. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life and it blows my mind that doctors compare miscarriage to period cramps. I had no idea that I would have to actively push to pass all of the tissues, that I would be bleeding for upwards of 2 weeks, or that I would pass blood clot upon blood clot. Miscarriage isn’t talked about nearly enough and I am so sorry to anyone that has to go through this. It’s not fair and there’s nothing wrong with you. You didn’t do anything wrong despite the negative thoughts running through your head. My thoughts, prayers, and deepest sympathies go out to anyone going through this. Things will get better. ❤️