So when I was around 4 years old I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighbourhood. I wouldn’t say it was rape because to my recollection he never forced me to do things.

He painted it out to be a “game” that the big kids did and it was secretive. I thought all kids did it. It would happen often in a barn beside our community playground. It would happen maybe twice a week and I was too afraid to tell the adults.

Sex became so normalized. I remember making my toys have sex and touching myself with the Barbie dolls resulting in rashes and pain.

My whole childhood behind the scenes was consumed by sex. It’s all I thought about.

I thought it was normal and everyone was that way.

I introduced my friends to it as well. We were all 4,5 years old. TLking about sex..

I can’t explain the amount of guilt I feel, and the pain I have when I think about what I unknowingly did.

Someone from my childhood could be feeling the shame and guilt that I feel and I would’ve been the one who made them feel that way.

For that reason I’ve never talked about it and I’ve tried to repress it.

I can’t live with the guilt I feel anymore.

I’ve tried to commit suicide severa times, flat lining once. I went to a school for depressed and anxious teens for my junior year of Highschool, and then once I finished that year I was placed back into normal Highschool.

In the end I ended up dropping out. It was too much for me.

I’m 22 now, and for the past year or so it’s been affecting my sex life. Slowly little by little and now it’s at the point where I can’t bring myself to do anything sexual.

My boyfriend is resenting me for it.

I’ve tried to get over it but I can’t. The abuse just keeps cycling over and over through my mind and there’s another voice that’s shaming me for what I’ve done.

I’m having another breakdown and i really want to commit suicide. I’ve tried to in many different ways. I know what works and what doesn’t.

I know that this time i can’t and won’t fail.

I really really want to end it all right now but I keep thinking back to what I learned after I was sent to that school. I was sent there after my last attempt, where I flat lined. I’m trying to fight my demons but I’ve got nothing. I don’t have a support system, I don’t have money for therapy and I don’t qualify for government assistance or payment plans. I’ve got no one.

I’m hoping that this group can help.

I know I should lay my faith in the hands of a random group on the internet but this is all I’ve got.

I just need to know I’m not alone in this.