I resent all of it....

My fiance or whatever you want to call him asked me to marry him about 4 years ago. The first 3 years I kept wanting to plan the wedding but he was never ready to do it. I asked him then why did he even asked me to marry him?!? We had 2 kids at this point. We had fights to the point where I was ready to leave and find someone that actually wanted that life with me. Through out these fights I really started to resent him and hurt that I now hate that I'm not excited for a wedding or not even excited for the experience of a wedding. Now I know its not about that but the commitment and thats what I do want. Thats why I was pissed he was never ready to actually do it. Like I wasn't good enough. I told him he gave me a promise ring like a fucking teenager and not an engagement ring. I told him he would need to reask me if he was ever serious about me. So he finally did and now I have no desire to plan or make a wedding because of all the shit he put me through.... I just don't know what to do...