I need help. *Its a long read 😅

I apologize for the length. I kind of just need to get this out as some desperate attempt for some peace I suppose. I'm trying to keep it as short as possible but also enough to release some of this pain I'm feeling. I also have questions, which is at the very end so it's completely fine to scroll through all this just to get to the question.

His name is Jay. I met him in October 2016 in a traffic stop lol. I had just divorced my emotionally and physically abusive husband in June of that year and was still having problems with him. My self esteem was at rock bottom. I felt worthless bc I had nothing bc I was starting from scratch. Its like God knew I needed this man. We became inseperable and best friends instantly. He went from helping me deal with my ex to basically my walking diary. Night or day, I had someone I could call no matter what and he was there. He built me up into this person who felt like she could conquer anything. My ex no longer had any affect on me. My self esteem had shot up and I was getting back to my old, happy self like I use to be before I got married. He encouraged me. He motivated me. He made me feel safe. He was home for me. I was so thankful for him. He showed me a different side of life. We became each other's backbone. And this was months just as friends. We was around one another so often, that he became part of my family and I of his. My sister even started calling him a brother and called on him a few times for help whenever our actual brother wasn't around. My mom was always asking him when he was gonna marry me and his dad always referred to me as his future daughter in law.

As you can see, he was a cop. He was extremely good looking and ladies loved him. He was a ladies man and I knew it from the beginning lol He talked to me about different women, problems etc. I never had interest to go outside our friendship but in the middle of 2017 we ended up with the idea of trying a relationship & started having sex. It wasn't long before we decided It wouldn't work bc we had too much to work on in ourselves. We would've definitely ended up hurting one another so we decided to take things back to normal, for the most part. He was the first person I had been with in 5 1/2 years besides my ex husband. We became best friends with benefits 😂 I had love for this man, mad love, but not as in a "my man" type love, just as in the person he was to me type love. I accepted everything about him, flaws and all and he did the same for me. He was horrible with emotions in the beginning but I started to see I was bringing out a different, better more grown side of him too. He occasionally started telling me he loved me and it was bc of who I was as a person. He was always saying we were soul mates and when the time was right, he knew we would end up with each other. I felt like we were honestly and truly soul mates too. By that, I just knew we were going to be connected for the rest of our lives, even if we never tried a romantic relationship again, and we was.

Fast forward to June 10th 2019, as usual, he FaceTimed me. It was about 2:00pm. He was at work. He was talking about how they hadn't done much that day, so on and so on, and then he started getting more..emotional. I guess that's what you would call it. He was just telling me that he's happy I was in his life and how much he loved me. I just rolled my eyes like I usually did when he told me that (I need to add we were both in a relationship with someone else at this time. My S/O knew to an extent the bond me & Jay had. They even met a few times and I met his gf) After about two hours of him doing paper work and just rambling, He got a call and rushed to his vehicle. He set the phone on the stand on the dashboard and took off to his destination. I was offering to get off the phone and he could just call me back when he was done but he told me no and insisted I stayed on, he just wanted to know I was there, which was odd to me but I didn't question it. I said a few things here and there but mainly just kept quiet bc I didn't want to distract him bc he was flying in that damn car. He arrived at his destination and then said he'd call me back as soon as he was done. About 7pm, he FaceTimed me again. We started talking about our goals and stuff for the future. He had it in his head to go be a state trooper. He started saying he wanted to get back right with God again bc at this point in his life, he's too old for games and wanted to settle down and start working towards something bigger. Before we knew it, it was 10:30 that night. I was just surprised we had actually stayed on the phone for that amount of time bc we never did. He was scheduled to get off at 11pm but ended up getting another call before he could go home. He said it was right down the road and he was going to go ahead and get off and let his phone charge in the vehicle and call me when he clocked out. We hung up at 10:38pm. About 11:30 this crazy feeling rushed over my body. I can't explain it. He came in my head. I knew he said he was going to call me but I decided to call him. No answer. I waited a few minutes and tried again, still no answer. I text him and then sent him a snap message. Anything to just try to get him to notice his phone if he was around it, but still nothing. Around midnight I get on Facebook and see a girl post something along the lines of "Bad accident, a cop was involved. Please pray he pulls through." I just knew it was him. I didn't know the girl that posted, but my sister did. I tried to call him several more times. It just wasn't like him to not pick up my calls after calling that many times. I got out and went down to the gas station to grab some cigarettes and on the way there I called my sister and asked her if she could please call the girl to see who was involved. She did. A couple of minutes later she called to tell me Jay was the cop in the accident. She said nobody knew the extent of it all yet. I hung up the phone and started crying. I even swerved off the road and had to snap back to reality real quick and get myself together to make it home. When I pulled in my yard my sister was standing in the driveway. I parked and didn't even shut the car off. I opened the door and she ran to me and grabbed me and started crying uncontrollably and told me that he had died. Its like my body just couldn't support me no more and I dropped to the ground. I couldn't breathe. I started screaming and eventually blacked out, right out in my driveway.

I've never lost anybody close to me in my whole 28 years of life. Family or friend, until June 11th, 2019. He was rushing to a burgurlary, took a curve to fast, flipped his vehicle and struck a tree. 3 days before his 30th birthday. A part of me died with him. There's nothing I can do about that. It's been 5 months and I'm still just as hurt/angry as the day it happened. I became angry at God bc I felt like I deserved more time with him. I fell into a deep depression. My family couldn't help. My significant other couldn't help. I lost my job. Lost weight. Couldn't sleep. I lost myself. I couldn't go to the funeral and just got to where I can visit his grave. I had completely given up on life. Someone finally convinced me of talking about it, getting my frustrations out and I can say it has helped some. I've whole heatedly decided here recently that I didn't want to mope anymore. He had helped me build myself back up and I know he would hate to see me get to rock bottom again. And God bless my significant other, he has done his best to help me and I'm forever grateful for him.

FINALLY, to get to my question. I've quit being in denial and saw how much I just haven't taken care of myself. I want to get my weight back. I want to get my glow back. I'm Italian but I'm so pale right now 😫 I want to start feeling like a person again but I don't know where to start? I don't know how to make myself feel good about anything again. Any advice, tips would be appreciated.

And again, I'm really sorry for the length 😭😭 I shortened it the best I could.