I’m taking a break from life lmao

My mom is constantly cheating on my dad. My dad knows, get depressed , I clean up the mess (he gets suicidal) , then my mom goes back to my dad and my dad takes her back. It’s an endless cycle. Obviously my mom and I aren’t close anymore. Haven’t been for ab a year because of this. We use to be each others best friends but fuck that. She gets mad when I take my dads side or whatever and today is the second time she said she doesn’t want to see me for awhile.

Next, I just got a bf. I’ve only known him for like a month and yes I like him but not enough to already be official. No one to blame but myself for that. I know I will like him a lot eventually, just takes me awhile.

Basically I’m self conscious asf. My bf is hot asf and is in incredible shape. But he makes me feel bad cuz he makes comments about how I show do squats to get a butt and should get back in shape.

My best friend came over as well as him and when she gets drunk she strips and dances and stuff. She didn’t strip this time because he was over but her shirt came up a lot and every time my bf would check her out. Or when she’s like “I’m sending nudes rn!” He would turn immediately to look (although that’s not shocking cuz that’s a very strange thing for her to say😂😂). But it kept getting to me cuz he would just stare at her ass and boobs when her shirt was off.

And no I don’t blame my friend. She was drunk and she does this even when it’s just her and I.

Idk if I’m overthinking stuff with him or if it’s actually him being like that. I’ve never had a bf before and I keep putting walls up because I don’t want to get hurt. And it just doesn’t make sense to why he likes me or finds me attractive. But that’s my problem that I need to fix and I’m aware of that.

Then I have 2 guy best friends I’m close with and maybe it’s because I’ve known them a bit longer than my bf, but I just feel closer to them and like I can go to them about anything. I look forward to our conversations and then when I compare them to my bf (which I shouldn’t do) I get sad and wonder if i should be dating him. But I also know I need to give him a chance. And I do like my bf , I just know we moved too fast and again I haven’t known him long at all.

Also I hate kissing😂 I’ve never kissed someone before him and idk how to do it, it’s gross a and eww. But I love cuddling and being with him. Idk. Clearly I need to figure my shit out because these problems are all my doing and because of me. Not anyone else... well except for my bf checking out my friend (admittedly she’s fucking hot) and trying to get me to lose weight.

Idk. Fuck me.