It took me 5 months 2 weeks and 3 days to love my son...

I woke up yesterday, after 6 hours of sleep (a luxury I know!), went about my morning pump and turned on the news. Baby was asleep and I knew I had another hour before he was up. Midway through my morning coffee, I found myself starting to feel excited about seeing baby's face when he is up and getting impatient for him to wake up!

What.....when did that happen???? Me, who struggled from PPD /PPA, who frequently couldn't wait for him to fall asleep, or dreaded the next feed where I would struggle to shove my boob in his mouth, where the constant worry about him robbed me of sleep, sanity and sense of identity. Why am I so desperate all of a sudden to see him?

He wakes up..I rush to his room to get him. I've never moved so fast in response to his cry..I look in his crib and he smiles at me. Ladies, my heart was going to burst...I'm serious...physically fucking burst because I couldnt hold in this budding feeling of something that just couldnt be contained. It was a strange feeling...it was love obviously, but so different to any other moment of love I've felt in my 33 years of existence. And here is the most important part..it was the first time I've felt that. From November 12th 2018 (when I found out I was pregnant), it was the first time I felt love for my baby.

Reflecting back, I realized that being a FTM is a job. A hard, thankless, and fucking unbearable job. I worked my ass off keeping him alive, all the while sleepless and dealing with my body changes and recovery. I finally understood his cries - thanks to the constant digging through the abundanceof information that would flood my brain from hours and hours of reading.

Now he is sleeping through the night (sleep training works!), started eating solids and is starting to function more like a human. What I've learned is that to love him, I had to love myself..not as a person but as the mother I am. When I became more confident in my role as his mother, I resented him less. When I saw him finally make progress towards becoming a more stable human, the more the sacrifices I made for him seemed worth it.

Here is the point, your child is you. Yes he is your Partners aswell, but he is mostly you. You created him, you housed him, you birthed him, you kept him alive. So how can you truly love him without embracing yourself and loving the mother you are. I know I will make mistakes in the future and worry about him constantly but this moment of knowing just what an enormous accomplishment I have completed by getting him here is enough to keep me going now.

It took me 5 months, but this journey is so different for every mother out there. Be kind to yourselves.

Thanks for reading !