You’re driving me insane. When we’re together we barely have problems, sure we get into the odd disagreement every now and then but it’s nothing compared to when we’re apart.

The problem with us being apart is then my brain runs wild and i begin to think of all the things i dislike about you instead of the things i love about you. It’s a toxic tendency but i can’t help it if you’re never around.

I love that you understand that I don’t always have time. I love that you don’t feel ignored if we go a little bit without talking. I love the freedom I have by being with you because I can still live my own life outside of you

I hate that you don’t know my friends because you’re so far away. I hate when we don’t talk for awhile and i have to initiate the call. I hate feeling like I’m wasting your time. I hate that you do homework while we’re on FaceTime. I hate that you never get jealous not even in the slightest. You once told me it was ok for me to kiss someone if I was drunk and I wholeheartedly disagreed. I hate that you’re okay with me flirting with someone to get a drink at a bar. I hate that you’re okay with me dancing with a guy who isn’t you. I hate that people think I’m single when the opposite is true.

I used to love being tied down, never having to worry about finding someone and I still love not being worried about finding someone but is that love? I know I’m selfish but in this moment I hate being tied down. I hate not being able to go for something I want. I hate that hate that comes my way when I have a tiny crush on someone who isn’t you. I hate that i have to explain that I’d never act on a basic human attraction. I hate feeling like I constantly have to explain myself to you, what don’t you understand??? I hate always having to consider someone else’s feelings when I want to do something for me. I hate having to guess how you’ll feel about something or having to guess what you’re opinion will be.

I love you though. At least i think I do. Your face, your eyes, your smile, you’re heart, you’re awkwardness, you’re athleticism, you’re strength. I love when you speak to me in different languages. I love when you hug me so tight I can’t breath. I love sleeping beside you and I love that you know all my favourite things.

I hate that you don’t fight for me when things get tough. You never even call. I hate that I know you care but it doesn’t feel like you do at all. I hate how busy you are even when you try to make time for me. I hate how much I love you because I rarely feel it reciprocated. I hate that I spend so much time on you and you can’t even plan a date. I hate how rarely you complement me even when I try really hard. I hate how uncomfortable affection makes you, it hurts my heart.

But I can never ask you to change, that’s not fair to you. I can talk and listen and talk some more and hope that we figure things out. I hate that I can’t leave you because I love you. Its stupid to think you can change someone unless they want to be changed and I think you’re too set in your ways to even consider that. I hate that I can’t focus on studying because my heart is so heavy. Please, choose to leave me. Sooner than later, but whenever you’re ready.