Trigger warning- rape/assault: I hate it when people say...

When I was 16, I met this guy (20).

He seemed whatever, kinda weird, but I thought it was funny. We had one date, went fine. Afterwards he started texting me, telling me he loved me, etc. Being extremely stupid, I agreed to a second date. I liked how he basically worshipped me. I went over to his house.

He offered me a pill that he said was “mexican xanax” that i took. It was right around when xanax was really popular as the “cool rapper drug” in 2016ish. He said he didn’t want to have sex, so we just watched TV. We kissed a couple times.

Then I was naked, on my back. He jokingly put his hands around my throat, or I thought it was a joke. We laughed and he did it again. But he wouldn’t let go. I was hitting him and trying to get him off, but he had his knee on my chest. I eventually pulled his hair, and he let go and punched me in the chest so hard I was flat on my back winded. The rest of the night is so hazy in my memory, but that moment is crystal clear.

I know this seems insane, but I really didn’t think anything was wrong? I assume it was because I was high, but it just seemed normal? So i stayed. I think we had sex, I don’t remember. I remember him trying a couple times, but he wasn’t fully erect. I remember being asleep for a few hours.

After all was said and done, I took an uber home. The next day my throat was so sore I couldn’t turn my head. I couldn’t eat. In the next couple days I had to miss school and I was throwing up blood. I finally agreed to go to a doctor (I didn’t want my parents to find out what had happened) and they said my throat had become infected (I assume from how raw it was- I was honestly grateful that I could say it was an infection the whole time). I mentioned the experience, but I guess I downplayed it (again- dumb and 16) because my doctor just seemed sheepish and said “be more careful with your friends”.

When I was finally back in school after about a week, I told my friends the “crazy” story of what a wild night I had. None of them found it funny, they seemed concerned, but I brushed it off. I thought it was fine, and I was fine.

But every time I smelled anything that smelled like his hair (I can still remember it) my chest felt tight. When I saw someone with a similar nose, or heard the songs he had played, it made me feel anxious and tight inside.

A few weeks later he sent me this. I don’t know why I didn’t block him, I don’t know why I responded, I don’t know why I didn’t shut it down. I dont know why I went to his house, took that pill, didn’t leave, didn’t call the police, I just don’t know. I know that the whole situation is partially my fault, but I was so naive. I thought it was one of those crazy stories you tell at parties about a bad date 🤦🏻‍♀️ Please don’t tell me it was my fault, I know I led him on and I blame myself for it constantly, but logically I know its obviously him in the wrong. He’s made new numbers to text me, when my 18th birthday was coming up he started sending things like “see you in a month”. I don’t even know his real name or remember his address. He told me he gave a fake one, and I only had his first anyway. I think he still follows me on instagram. I have about 900 followers and Can’t remember his username, I think he mightve changed it. And his account is obviously private. I can’t find it.

I still can’t have sex sometimes. If my boyfriend goes anywhere near my throat, I sob for hours. A hookup spat on me once (I consented) and I just completely broke down.

I dont consider myself a rape victim, because I honestly have no idea what happened. I guess I would classify it as sexual assault, but I could tell it wasn’t even sexual for him. He was just looking down at me, choking me. And it wasn’t even terrifying, I was so high. I haven’t done xanax since, I had never done it before. I don’t even know if that’s what he gave me.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I’m just trying to say that sometimes trauma takes time to process. Sometimes we don’t even realize what happened was traumatic. So I hate when I see people say “It’s terrifying nowadays. you could have consensual sex with a woman and then she could turn around and say it was rape!”.

And also, if you’re reading this, and you’re 16, I PROMISE you are not mature for your age. Stay the HELL away from older men. I was constantly told my everyone I was mature, I had amazing grades and a job and responsibilities, but looking back I was so so so stupid. Please just wait.