Our baby should have been born in November, but I had a miscarriage.

It is so painful to think about the fact that we should be celebrating our first Christmas as a family of 3, but instead weren’t not even pregnant. There are “My First Christmas” onesies tucked away in the nursery that aren’t being worn, and I hung a rain/umbrella ornament on the tree with the year 2019 on it.

I’m dreading seeing our families for Christmas because I know people will ask when we’re going to have a baby. I’m thinking one of my cousins might announce she’s pregnant, and while I would be happy for her, I know my heart can’t handle the jealousy.

Every time I open Facebook or Instagram, there’s a new pregnancy announcement. I try to remind myself to be happy for everyone because their pregnancy is a blessing, plus I never know what they went through leading up the announcement. But at the same time, the selfish part of me is saying, “why isn’t it me???”

13 months of trying. 1 miscarriage that has broken my heart in a way I never knew possible. I’m hopeful for the future, but right now .... this just sucks.

For anyone else who is feeling something similar this Christmas, I’m thinking of you ❤️