Just a venting session.

I am getting married in August and I'll start by saying that I can't wait to marry my fiance. But I hate our wedding plans so far. Most girls dream about their wedding day and the fiasco we're planning is the exact opposite of what I always thought my wedding will be like. Its generic and impersonal. 240 people invited (about 180 of whom I've only met once or never at all). My soon to be in-laws former neighbors or people that have invited them to events (even if they didnt go), 4th and 5th cousins, lots of babies/toddlers, etc. We dont even know half the spouses or children's names for crying out loud! Our venue is beautiful and certainly not inexpensive; it's a historic castle overlooking the river and mountains...breathtaking! Our original budget was $38k; We're currently almost double that 😳🥴🤢 and there is still so much left to do. My fiance and I are also paying for this entire wedding ourselves. There is some delusion that we'll actually be making a profit in the end thru all of these guests and I keep telling him and his whole family that we'll be lucky to make half.

My dream wedding has always been less than 100 people, everyone dancing the night away, simple elegance with delicious comfort food and classic cocktails. Intimate, fun.

I've tried talking to my fiance about how overwhelming this whole thing is, and how we really need to take a step back and scale it down 7 notches. He keeps saying it's an "obligation" and that it looks bad on his parents if we dont invite certain people. I know it's his day too --- I'm no bridezilla and I'm all about compromise --- but Ive literally been having panic attacks and crying fits even looking at anything wedding related lately. I love my fiance more than anything and i cannot wait to marry him but I honestly dont want to attend my own wedding at this point. I'd much rather elope at city hall any day now. How awful of a person am i and how the hell do I get back on the excitement train?! 😰😰