Want a girl but married to man (LONG)

Im ashamed. Let me start with that. I have always liked girls since i was younger. I didnt like boys until high school and even then i didnt enjoy sex until maybe the 4th person i had sex with.

I married a man because its the right thing to do and now im unhappy. He BARELY wants to have sex. I have to initiate all the time which makes me feel ugly among other things. He swears up and down that im beautiful but i could stand butt naked in front of him playing the game and he will tell me to move. He plays the game for HOURS all day in-between activities.

Heres the worst part. I touched another woman while he wasnt home. I got drunk and i cut off all contacts after. She was a really good friend and i took it too far.

Now, im trying to focus on seeing what i can do to please him and make him want me. Ive lost 20lbs, i shave more frequently. I never shaved when i met him. Now i keep it at the minimum trimmed. It helped, but i still find myself wanting a girl. I ask him about it and says absolutely not in any world at all will it happen. He is completely against it.

Now im at a point where im wondering if i can keep doing this. Im thrown into a depression, i can barely smile anymore. Hes a good husband, but now im starting to think maybe for someone else.

No i didnt tell him about what happened with the woman, and im not excusing my actions in anyway. I HUMANLY fell into temptation. Sex with him is alright most of the time. I feel because I initiate that he isnt into it. I have plans to tell him but he has anger issues so im scared, he wont hit me but i disconnect when people are angry with me.

What do i do? He’s completely against me liking women, i dont wanna leave until i give it more time, not even the strip club and i barely get away with porn. He doesnt want watch porn.