Body counts

I’m 21 and my body count just went to 14... I thought I would be engaged to my ex boyfriend before I would ever have thought that my number would be 14... part of me feels so sad and ashamed like I don’t respect myself or I don’t value myself like I should. You know the typical things that your mom always tells you that you need to do growing up & not let everyone get a shot basically.

But then another part of me wants to say fuck the number... I never did anything that I did not want to do... guys don’t care so why should we.... and so what, I’m living life safely so that’s all that should matter right...

And then I start thinking of the future, what will my future husband think of my number... what number will that be if I keep going at the rate I am... I just want to feel normal and not terrible for having sex... and I don’t want to worry about what people would think if they knew...should I feel ashamed?