December 31, 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 5 months and even though that isn’t a long time, it seemed like an eternity. We usually throw a New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> party but decided not to that year because I knew I was testing that morning and didn’t want to have to try to hide it around a bunch of alcohol if it was positive. I woke up so excited to take the test. I really felt like it was our month! I waited for the results to pop up and much to my surprise, there was the faintest 2nd line on the test! I freaked out. I posted it to every group on Glow and I was thrilled that other people saw the line too! I cancelled the plans we had tentatively made to go out. My husband and I were ready to spend the night on the couch talking about our future baby.

I went for a run and was giddy the entire time. Was I really pregnant?! Finally, it was our turn! Should I wait to test again until tomorrow or should I test later on that night? How would we tell our families? A million thoughts and dreams were filling my head as I took every step.

I got home and went to the bathroom to get ready to take a shower. As I wiped I saw the slightest hint of pink. No. My heart stopped. I wiped again and there was more. This can’t be. I texted my husband and he called me right away. The sound of confusion and disappointment in his voice broke my heart. Our dreams were completely dashed in an instant.

He came home shortly after we hung up. He had this look on his face like he had to tell me something but didn’t know how. He finally said “I hate to make this day even worse, but my sister is pregnant.” His sister had been with her boyfriend less than a year by this point and isn’t our favorite person, so the news cut me like a knife. To add insult to injury, not only was she pregnant, but she was due in less than 3 months! She hid it from us. Not because she knew we were trying, but because she is manipulative and always has to play the victim. We only found out through a family friend who was invited to her shower, which we did not receive an invite to. I burst into tears. How could this day turn from something so amazing to something so terrible so quickly?

My husband told me to get myself dolled up and that we were going out. We went out with some friends and tried to have fun, but there was a dark cloud over us the whole time. One of my friends knew what had happened so she understood our funk. At the end of the night, we took the train home and tried to get an Uber from the train station. We live on the Jersey Shore and a lot of areas are completely dead in the winter. The train station near our house is one of those places. The closest Uber was an hour away. Of course it then started pouring rain as soon as we stepped off the train. We tried walking to a busier area, but still nothing less than an hour away. So my husband just held me in the pouring rain as I sobbed and we waited for the Uber. We got home, dried off, and I cried myself to sleep.

I never went to the doctor, but my mom works for an OB/GYN and they said I probably had a chemical pregnancy. My period was very heavy that month, so it would make sense.

Although that was a devastating day, little did I know that 2 weeks later, we would be conceiving our little girl. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I can’t imagine a more perfect baby than our little Raelynn. So, this New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> we cherished every smile, every snuggle, and even every moment of fussiness with our baby girl.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> with our little October babies! It has been the best year and I’m so glad I got to share 2019 with all of you! Here’s to 2020 and all the joy it will bring us! 💗💙