My story to a healthy weight and happy self

*Possible trigger warning* mentioning anorexia and weight numbers.

Just wanna make sure noone gets triggered in any way.

So in 2017 i got anorexia. I weighted 45 kgs (99.2lbs) and i was around 171cm (5'6), bmi was 15.4 and 18.5 to 25 is healthy.

When people asked me how much i weighted i always told them "oh i weigh 40kgs (88.18lbs)". I was so deeply ashamed of my weight. I thought it was totally overweighted which it clearly is not. So i made a plan to lose weight to 40 kgs. It was a total bullshit plan because i would eat so less calories a day and workout every day and skip days and skip meals and it just wasnt healthy. So I've done that for about a year. In 2018 it actually got worse. I have had a huge surgery on my back. Scoliosis surgery. Means i couldnt bend my back anymore at all. It takes around a year to heal and after 6 months you can workout again. Thats literally the most scary thing for someone with anorexia. Being in the hospital with people making sure you eat. I felt like i lost full control over myself, when i lost around 5kgs (11lbs) in a week before all that. After 1.5 month i started working out again. I was so depressed and had to gain back control and this was the only way how to. I pushed through all my boundaries. At one point self harm began. Im not gonna go in dept about that. Later i started purging and at that point i was seeking psychiatric help. I didnt have a will to live anymore. It was so dark and alone.

Then that was around March. I got to know my now boyfriend of 1.5 year online. He made me smile with the first things he said. We kept talkingon snapchat and he got to know some things about the shit i had going on. He gave me a will to live again. Just that tiny light in the dark that i really really needed🌟. After a month of talking we got together on may the 27th of 2018. He lives in Norway and i live in the netherlands so its something i never expected to be happening. A new chapter of my life started. He always told me about how i should be gaining weight and shouldnt bw self harming. He was so worried and it definitely wasnt the most fun time for him back then.

Around November 2018 i finally wanted to try to gain weight for him. It was the hardest thing I've EVER done. I did it totally alone with him. This whole process. It was allot of breakdowns and failed attempts. The voice of anorexia was just so loud and commanding.

Like you see here i made so much progress over the course of a year. I srated off at 50kgs (110.23lbs) and my goal weight was 53 first. Later it was 55. I took it in little steps. After that my goal was 57.5 and my end end goal was 60kgs. I weigh 60 kgs (132.27lbs) now and im 5'7 tall. Im so proud of myself. Its a healthy weight. I like my body waaay more then before and my bf loves it too😂. He says he doesnt feel like he's hugging a brickstone now (our jokes).

So 3 years later im healthy and happy. I got out of my depression for the most part and i beat anorexia. Im always gonna be able to be triggered and i still have that voice sometimes. Its just way easier to ignore it and it isnt as loud anymore.

Progress isnt one line straight up. Its a whole process of failing and standing back up again. Its gonna be so hard and youre gonna wanna give up. But stay strong and just see where time and gard work gets you. Dont just believe me for my words, see it yourself.