Novel ahead, sorry.

I've never been a huge social person, before kids I would hang out with friends every day after school and party in the weekends, but I hated doing it as often as I did. I really just did it for my friends, and when I was drinking it was easier to pretend I was having fun. I wore, what I liked to call, a mask, showing others what they wanted to see rather than what was really going on.

After my first child, was when I started slipping into isolation, I went out for course to study, taking my child out to parks etc (just the two of us) and once in a Blue Moon went out to see friends (the ones that didn't ditch me after I fell pregnant at 16). It was minimal, but I was fine, I was happy and so was my child.

I got into a relationship which was very controlling, I only ever really went out if he was with me, I became housebound, and when I did go out it would cause huge fights. I turned into his mother and maid rather than his partner. Later on down the track after I finally managed to leave him, I got who im with now, who is loving and supporting, helps me (when he can) with the two kids (I had another child) and encourages me so much, also deals with my emotional changes.

He works Monday-Friday, long hours, within those days we only get an hour in the morning and two in the evening before bed to spend time together. So throughout the week the only human interaction I get is with the kids when they are home. In the weekends he sleeps in (he needs to catch on sleep, physical job and sleeping issues), which I encourage.

The only time I go out these days is to do the weekly shopping in the weekend and to do the school/kindy runs. Our small group of friends (all of us have kids), try and get together once a month and do dinner, part of me just doesn't want to go and the other part of me knows I need to get out of the house, plus the kids love going, so we go to it.

Part of me is screaming to go out and do something, go to coffee with the weekly coffee group of moms, go visiting people etc but the bigger part just doesn't want to. I just can't get the motivation to be social.

Note, I do have social anxiety disorder (in smaller crowds and known places it's not as bad), anxiety, panic attacks, depression and an eating disorder.

I'm in a couple group chats, in which the coffee one I've been removed from because I haven't been going, two people in that group chat are also in my small group of friends (group above), and never asked why I wasn't going (without warning I was removed, so it triggered a few things), and the dinner one.

I don't know how to word this right. But.... I'll use the coffee weekly get together as an example..... I liked being able to talk to them (when I felt up to it) and having the option and feeling invited to go and have a coffee with them, even though the chances of me doing so was slim. It was like having that option there was encouraging me to actually try and do it. Like they wanted me to go have a coffee with them, even though I was never asked why I haven't gone to them. Being removed, unknowingly or not, was quite a kick in the teeth. The only way I would of not been kicked was of I had been to them every week. I asked why I was removed (they're one of the two that are also in the small group of friends with kids who gets together for dinner), and I got told what I wrote above. When I told her the truth of why, first person I've told (other than my partner), that I've been trying to deal and overcome my mental health issues, all I got was ”sorry”.

I just don't want to do anything other than stay home, I haven't really even had the motivation to talk to people via text/call/social media etc. Just my partner and my kids, and even then sometimes it's a struggle, especially with the kids because it's not like I can have an adult conversation with them. I don't invite people over, and part of that is because I fear that they don't really wanna come over but are anyway to be nice, and fear that they'll just get bored and be to polite to say anything and stick around until a one would think a ”reasonable” length of time being there before leaving.