I hate this...

I trying so hard to keep myself from falling apart. My now ex husband split in August and share a son together that is going to be one in 2 weeks. I hate him for everything he’s put me through during our whole relationship, I hate that this isn’t how it was supposed to be, I hate that I gave him all me and hate that I still love him. I’m trying to do right by my son and be civil and communicate with his dad but sometimes I can’t even talk or look at him without feeling anger and hate. I cant seem to let it go...