I feel like such a whore and like such a screw up, advice needed. LONG

So before I start off, i want to ask that any comments be kind. I want advice and I know what I did was horrible. Im not proud of my past but I just want to become a better person and idk how to do that. My whole past is messy because I was reckless and let my hurt and pain cause so many bad decisions.

So from the beginning. 5 years ago I got into a relationship with my now ex. It was the first time I had been in a real relationship and the first time I ever loved someone. It was great. He was my best friend. About 9 months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant. It was soon, but we were both happy. After I had my daughter things changed. He became different. He would be gone for long periods of time and not really be clear about where he was or why he was gone so long. He worked but it was ridiculous . Coming home hours after his shift was over, being distant, things like that. But i ignored it because I loved him. After our daughter turned two things started coming to light. He knew a lot more people than I was aware, he would hang out with them smoking or drinking when he was supposedly at work which explained why he would be gone so long, money he said he lost was spent at strip clubs, and he even cheated on me. I was broken and hurt but I stayed. A couple months later I found out he saw the girl he cheated on me with again and I ended things.

After this I wanted to get over him asap. He was my first love and the only guy I been with. He was all I knew and i didnt know what to do. I met this guy through social media and we started hooking up. Nothing serious, just sex really. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didnt want one. But during this time I stupidly started hooking up with my ex too. Both of them made it clear we werent together and as far as i knew they were both pursuing other women. Why did i go along with it? I was hurt, wanted to feel loved and couldnt let go of my ex even though I wanted to. It went on like this until end of august beginning of September 2018, about a month after it started. I ended things with the guy as I thought i wanted my ex. I started seeing my ex more but in the beginning of October i found out I was really just sex to him. He told me he didnt care if I ended up with someone else and showed me he was speaking to other girls and seeing them too. Guess i had it coming. So what did my dumbass do? I slept with the other guy the day after. Just once and then didnt see him again. Things with my ex were messy. He wanted me to take him back, but i didnt want to. We would argue back and forth constantly. Then two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant. I thought it was my exes baby. I hadnt seen the other guy since literally the first week of October and i had kept messing with my ex stupidly. Then i found out I was further along. Still I thought it was my exes. My dating ultrasound said I conceived October 2nd give or take a few days. During that time I was hooking up with my ex except for that ONE TIME. Surely he was the father right? I mean one time compared to dozens of times? I thought statistically my ex had a greater chance of being the father. So i told my ex it was his. I wasnt trying to trap him. I just genuinely thought it was his. I even told him since I knew we weren’t healthy for each other he didnt have to be involved or be with me. Kinda silly considering we had another kid already but i still meant it. But he said he wanted to be there for me during the pregnancy and be together. That he would do anything to change and I believed it. Well in May 2019 i found out that was all a lie. Just what i get. He had been going to clubs, doing drugs, seeing other girls, going out with them and much more. He had even been arrested twice for public intoxication. There was so much about him I didn’t know. At this point we werent living together b/c after we broke up the previous year I moved in with my mom and he had a studio and said he was saving up to get us a place. Well i was hurt and this was brought to light less than a month before my baby was due. So when I went into labor I didnt tell him. Which i guess turned out to be good, because well it turned out that the baby wasnt his. I felt so stupid. Like such a dumb slut. I mean i truly thought it was his. I didn’t think just one night with the other man would result in pregnancy when I had been sleeping with my ex so many times. But i guess its true, all it takes is once. Obviously my ex suspected it wasn’t his but I still didnt know for sure. I stupidly told him it was even though i didnt know . But still he didnt buy it which was smart on him. So after i delivered I didnt see him for a month. God knows what he did during this time. I know he partied, slept with other women and all that. Which i dont blame him for. What i did was wrong. Then one night he messaged me. Asking who the father was. I didnt tell him. He called me evil for letting him believe it was his. And I deserve that. But then he just dropped it like nothing. He asked me out and we started dating i guess again. The real father knew but wanted nothing to do with the baby. Even demanded a dna test and when it came back that it was his he still didnt want to be involved. So i went on dating my ex. I was shocked how he let it go but he did. For four and a half months we dated and spoke about how we were going to move forward together. Just leaving the past behind no more games. But then a month ago he died unexpectedly. It has been horrible without him and i just feel so guilty about having a baby that wasnt his.

Then a couple weeks ago i had my annual physical and turns out im pregnant. I have an IUD which was inserted at my 6 week pp appointment so this was unexpected to say the least. I am now 13 weeks. I have only had two weeks of knowing i am pregnant, but this time the father is for sure the father of my first baby. No doubt about it. I conceived a month before he passed. And now idk what to do. I had a quick ultrasound last week to confirm the pregnancy was viable and they gave me options. Part of me thinks this happened for a reason, like this is the last part of him he left behind. And i want to honor that by having the baby. Regardless of everything he was my first love, and for five years he was such a huge part of my life, good or bad . I dont know if i can have an abortion.

But i also know I cant romanticize that past. We were far from perfect, our relationship wasn’t really healthy for such a long time but i feel like in the end we were really making progress despite how badly we both messed up. I just know I’ll be judged for having another so soon and for it being the same father as my first baby but not my second baby. Even i think its messy. I dont know what the right decision is. Im so lost. My life is a mess and I dont want to mess up anymore. I want to get it together. I miss him so much and i wish he was here to tell me what to do. Im not sure what to do at all and its been so hard. So please if you have made it this far please give me advice. Other than “get on birth control” because my last two pregnancies were conceived on birth control (the patch and IUD) and whether i keep this baby or not I am having my tubes tied. I just need advice. Please try not to be harsh. I already hate myself