This time last year, I wasn’t excited for Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t excited for any day, because just days before I had found out I lost my baby. I had just had a d&c performed and I just felt numb. Life didn’t have meaning anymore, losing the most precious thing, and I could only blame myself. That pure innocent baby was growing inside me, relying on me to keep them safe and I completely failed. To be honest i hit rock bottom, my relationship was breaking apart because I couldn’t talk, eat, I just sat there blank for weeks. I didn’t think I would ever be able to pull myself out of that dark place. I didn’t ever think I would be able to try for another baby. I didn’t ever think I would find happiness again.

It got to the end of March, it was Mother’s Day. I had managed to pull myself together by this point for the sake of my marriage. I had to try, I couldn’t lose the love of my life as well. I had been feeling off, had the worst headache for days, but shrugged it off. Then my period was late.. I didn’t want to get my hopes up so decided it was down to stress. Then another week passed and another, so I tested. And there they were, two beautifully strong pink lines.

But I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel excited. I felt pure dread, I was scared, frightened, my anxiety was through the roof. I told my husband and he was over the moon! He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t as excited as he was. I refused to acknowledge the pregnancy, we had a scan at 5 weeks, then again at 8 weeks to see a heartbeat. We did, a healthy, strong little jellybean was wriggling around inside me and I still couldn’t pull it together to be happy.

We got to 12 weeks, then 20 weeks and still I was blocking out the fact I was pregnant. We found out we were having a baby boy, my husband wanted to start shopping but I wasn’t interested. Then I started hating myself more because I just wanted to be excited for my baby. But I was soo scared he would be snatched away from me.

I don’t think I ever got fully excited about my pregnancy, feeling those little kicks reminded me that he was okay, and he was there but in the back of my mind I knew something could still go wrong.

On November 14th, at 37 weeks I started having contractions. Then it hit me, my baby boy is coming into the world! He was born later that day via emergency c section as he was distressed. He was born with a hole in his right lung and spent 2 weeks in NICU.

I’m sat here happy. All the pain was completely worth it. Although now I really regret not enjoying my pregnancy.

A year on from that horrible heartbreak and I’m sat here, the happiest I could ever be, with my perfect baby boy.

Miscarriage is hard. It is the most pain wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. But I want people to know that although you may not feel like things could get better. Or that youll stay in that dark place forever. But you won’t. Things will get better. You will get your beautiful blessings and when you look at them you’ll remember that everything you felt, every emotion, every ounce of pain, it was completely and utterly worth it.

I am sorry for this long post. But I wanted people to know they’re not alone. We all hide away. We’re all completely scared when we fall pregnant again. But we are strong. We are mothers.