I'm 26. Over the last decade with my hubby, we have had a stillborn son, a late miscarriage of another son, an ectopic, an early miscarriage and in amongst that 2 beautiful amazing liveborn children.

Both of them I had to be on bed rest, have a stitch placed in my cervix and take daily progesterone suppositories to get as far along as possible. They were born at 33weeks and 30weeks3days gestation.

I had an emergency caesarean with my eldest to placental abruption in labour. I had to have an inverted T incision done because when they got his head out of the low incision my uterus contracted amd wouldn't relax so they had to cut upwards to get him out.

5.5yrs later my daughter was born by a repeat caesarean in labour because despite already being 10cm dialated, the Drs were adamant on not letting me birth her out of my vagina (VBAC) and bullied me the whole time till I caved. Firstly they discovered severe adhesions in my abdomen and my bowel adhered to my uterus. My risk of heamorrhage and irreversible organ damage was high due to this because they had to cut through it all. Secondly a repeat of my first caesarean happened, they got her head out, uterus contracted, and had to do another inverted T incision.

So afterwards in recovery they advised me to not have anymore because I'm high risk for rupture after two inverted T incision caesareans, and my adhesions put me at risk during any form of abdominal surgery.

I accidentally became pregnant a month shy of my daughter's first birthday (broken condom and too much confidence in our previous subfertility) we miscarried catastrophically at 13w3d, I suffered a minor rupture, lost over a litre of blood, went into shock, had an emergency currette and bled heavily for 3 days post loss (went through 30 maxi pads). Anyways, hubby had gone on waitlist for vasectomy only a couple months before we conceived our angel son. It's been 7 months since we lost him. I've been grieving and have spiralled into a depression with suicidal idealising and everything. Don't worry, I am getting help for that, I have my first psychologist appointment next Thursday finally.

Just got a call today and he is booked for his vasectomy in a week and a half.

I thought I would have longer to try and process it because it was supposed to be 12 months after his appointment with the surgeon which was only 3 months ago :( hubby adamantly wants no more, he has taken the risks for birth very OTT. I also understand that because of our experiences having crappy previous births and having prems and losses that he doesn't want to go through it again. It is also his body his choice so I can't stop him. But my heart hurts so much. So much for the 3rd baby I began to envision a part of our family, for never having another baby, for all the things I feel robbed of (for example my daughter weaned because I got pregnant, I had wanted to nurse for 2yrs but she was just on 1yr (not even if you go by corrected age cause she was 2.5months early). I'm just sad about it. It's about to be so final and I'm already struggling as is with my grief, and now I have this to add to the pile. Any advice from mamas who have also had to close up shop (particularly when it wasn't really a choice but a medically indicated thing).