Hello ladies.

I’m 7 weeks 2 days with my second and to be perfectly honest. It’s tough. I’m struggling with everything from physical health to mental health and almost everything in between.

I’m struggling to be a good mum to my daughter with the constant nauseous feeling and pain from lupus and fibromyalgia. I’m always thirsty drinking 3 litres a day just isnt enough. I can’t have anything sweet without dry heaving over a toilet for 45 mins at a time. I can’t sleep and night and can’t stay awake in the day. I haven’t been out the house in two days. Haven’t even been out of bed or in to my kitchen. My other half is doing everything for my daughter and well I feel awful for it. I cannot eat anything other then marmite on toast. Literally nothing I can smell everything. I lost my job due to pure anxiety and depression I can’t take my regular meds for my illnesses cause of the pregnancy and have to wait for a doctors appointment.

I now have a cold. A horrid cold. My throat is burning and water isn’t cold enough to satisfy it. I tried taking pregnancy safe medication and that left a foul taste in my mouth and left me crying over a hit water bottle wish for it to end.

Everytime I picture the baby in my head and my other half holding the baby something tells me I should wait till then and end my life so my other half can have the baby and my daughter can go to her dad. Selfish I know. Each time I feel so guilty for thinking it but it’s always there.

I’ve just found out my daughter could have autism that’s what her school thinks anyway. Her dad is a useless tool that thinks his career comes above all else and his new girlfriend does to. Leaving my daughter begging for a dad that doesn’t want to be here and hitting out to cope.

In my head it’s just an empty void of darkness and I pray someone will turn on that light. I’ve no motivation no drive no libido. No well anything. I’ve lost myself and I don’t know how to make it right anymore. This pain is crippling this void is scary and telling this to anyone seems to result in either me over reacting or me being stupid. I love my children. I love my other half. But I don’t know if I can talk to him about it or even how to show them I love them. I just want to close my eyes and wake up in October. But life doesn’t work that way.

I’m sorry if this offends anyone or triggers anyone. I just have no where to turn.

TIA