I can't do this anymore.

I feel so empty. Random miscarriages at two and a half months, and now a chemical currently.

I just wish after two years of trying something would happen. Whether diagnosed with infertility, or a reason I'm miscarrying, or just told to stop trying.

No, I don't want to be told stop trying. Because that means nothing. Nothing at all. The only way to stop trying for me is to stop having sex.

I have never been more ready for a baby.

My SO has never been more ready for a baby.

I can't keep dealing with the losses. It's to the point I haven't slept over 5 hours in a week. All I want to do is cry. I can't eat, I feel like I don't deserve to. But the bright side of that is I'm losing weight. I am against therapy, my insurance won't cover it. But talking to my own family about it won't be accepted, they know nothing about me trying.

I'm tired of letting down his family. I'm tired of the sympathetic looks. I mean, who the hell gives us $5,000 after a miscarriage, just because?

His family is so understanding but no one can fully help or understand due to his sister in law. I'm tired about hearing about my sister in laws pregnancy.

Who had to get pregnant after my first miscarriage, on her first try, because I let the family down. Who has been drinking alcohol, and eating raw fish, and porks, and going in hot tubs, and taking xanax, who told me to quit taking her thunder by getting pregnant, who told me to hurry up and get pregnant so her baby can have a playmate.

I can't do this anymore.